What’s in the Republican’s Closet?

"I am not gay," Sen Craig said after he took the penis out of his mouth.

Now, I’m not saying all Republicans are closeted homosexuals. I’m not one to define the Republican party as homophobes full of self-loathing. They’ve done that themselves. But the psychology of their politics is clear enough.

During my infrequent request to say grace, I usually respond ( by "making that prayer my bitch") by praying: "Please God, save us from your followers."

Remember when the first reports of priest’s abusing little boys came out? The first reports lent everyone to say that those Priests were the few; that if you looked at the percentage of pedophiles in the population, you would see that same percentage in the priesthood. Then, more stories came out. And then more. Finally, people began wondering if all priests were pedophiles. And while that may not be the case, how many parents would want a priest take care of their 8 year old boy while they went out of town for the weekend?

Same story, different setting:

Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Florida Rep. Bob Allen and now Larry Craig are the poster children for the coming revolution in Christianity. A revolution based on closeted homosexuals everywhere. But how many are still out there?, lurking in bathroom stalls, cruising those out of the way gay clubs? The answer: All of them.

Before I start this, I want to say formally, there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. God does not care if you have sex with someone of the same sex. She just doesn’t care. I truly believe this, and I also believe that everyone who doesn’t believe this is wasting their time. Because before homosexuality became the big taboo there were other dumb rules about sex. How many practice only the missionary position? Until recently, oral sex use to be illegal in Texas. . . .etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Which begs the question, why would anyone take the time to propagate sexual taboo’s? Why the agenda? How fucked up is your sex life where you have to take the time to fuck up other people’s sex life?

In the movie "Tombstone", Doc Holiday says, "My hypocrisy only goes so far." A perfect line, especially considering his character. What makes it poignant is how hypocrisy for the Republicans knows no bounds.

To quote Ms. North Carolina:

"I personally believe that us as Americans are unable to do so because some of the people out there in this nation don’t have that."

I couldn’t of put it better myself. Well, okay, I’ll try:

I personally believe that all Republican’s are closeted homosexuals full of self-loathing and regret. I personally believe that given the chance, most Republicans men would have sex with another man in a public restroom if they could be assured that they their anonymous partner had taken Jesus Christ into their heart, and bathed their hands in the blood of the land, or if they had a penis. I personally believe that Jesus was gay with all his disciples, because that’s how they rolled back then. I personally believe that Jesus would have gay sex with other men in a public toilet, and that’s why so many other Republicans are doing the same. They are just answering the question, ‘what would Jesus do?’ - you know, in a public restroom with another closeted homosexual.

Karl Rove Presidential Library

The reason Bush doesn’t want Rove testifying under oath is because he’s afraid the bible will burst into flames if he touches it. Now, I’m not saying Rove is evil, but one time, a long time ago, when I saw him and no one else was around, I saw Rove strangle a baby deer with his bare hands. Okay, that never happened. But it seems like it could. I just struggle with the notion that our executive branch can be populated with sycophants that never work for the American people. We’re paying the salary for this guy. Why can’t the public know what kind of guy he is? Why can’t we get answers to simple questions?

Answering the question they want to answer

Currently, most politicians don’t answer direct questions put to them. They answer the question they want put to them. You can thank Rove for that. When Bush was running against Ann Richards, one of the striking differences in style was how Bush would hardly ever directly answer questions put to him. The local press would ask Bush about the pollution in Houston, (worst in the nation) and he’d tell you how Texas is improving education. It became pointless to have any kind of dialogue with Bush. He would only recite pre-tested propaganda.

But you can’t argue with success. Rove didn’t invent this type of rhetoric, but he surly perfected it. He was also a master of dirty tricks. Single handedly he convinced most of the redneck, racist, homophobic east Texas voters that Ann Richards was gay. All’s fair in love, war and politics, and Rove is like the flim-flam salesman that sells Springfield a monorail. So, you can’t fault him for doing his job. His job was to sell an unqualified politician to the American people. And like Springfield buying the escalator to nowhere, the American people bought the glorious turd that is President Bush.

As a society, we shouldn’t forget Rove’s contribution to Bush’s legacy. Starting now, I’m calling on all Democrats to help fund the Karl Rove Presidential Library. Bush didn’t win the election. Rove did. Bush is more of a sock puppet. It is Rove that deserves all the glory of the Bush Presidency. Admission will be twenty thousand dollars. (A donation to the Rove defense fund.) For 20k you’ll be able to hunt and kill an illegal alien on the national park it sits on. But be careful, Cheney may be already there, drunk and hunting lobbyists. You’ll also receive a gift bag full of Presidential goodies, like a Helen Thomas dart board and a Stephen Colbert voodoo doll. Inside the library will be dioramas of the administration scandals. A model of New Orleans complete with little African Americans is flushed down the drain, every hour on the hour. Sitting next to that will be the Valerie Plame exhibit. Push the button and you can hear Rove laughing at his indictment for treason by compromising an existing CIA agent. Next to that will be the weapons of mass destruction never found in Iraq. Many patrons might not like the National Security wing of the Rove Library. It involves being strip searched and having live electrodes attached to your genitalia. This kind of thing is legal under the Patriot act, not that anyone can contradict me, because our own Congress hasn’t even read it. The bathrooms will be palatial, with the toilet paper made out of old copies of the Constitution.

Have a heart. Give to the Rove Library. He needs to be remembered.

An open letter from President Bush to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You couldn’t of been arrested at a better time. My political ambition of bombing democracy into Iraq was looking bleak until you, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie decided to the join forces and pull the the media hounds into covering your personal problems. Bravo!! It’s difficult for me to put into words the relief I felt when Paris was put in jail. You and your arrest have given me a respite from constant attack coverage of the liberal media. For that brief moment in time, hundreds of liberal media outlets threw away their journalistic ethics and spent their time covering the inane and lurid; something I have been begging them to do for years. Don’t they understand that covering the war is helping the terrorist?
Television news is silly that way. They are totally unable to resist a celebrity being arrested. For that reason I am asking my buddy Alberto to dedicate a considerable amount of resources to combating celebrity law breakers. They need to be stopped for the greater good.

You, Lindsay Lohan, have indirectly helped this country fight terrorism by sidetracking these liberal media hounds. For that alone, I am awarding you the medal of freedom.

Congratulations. Thats a Heckuva job.

Not many others could of handled the press the way you did. So, when the judge asks you if you have anything to say about the incident, tell him that you did it for freedom. Tell him you did it for democracy in Iraq. Tell him you took drugs and blamed the black man because you are a patriot, and if he doesn’t buy that, tell him that I said, sending you to jail is just one more way he can help fight for this war. If he doesn’t send you to jail, tell him he is a traitor to this country. Dick Cheney said it best when he said, "If only the media did their job and covered these Hollywood harlots, I could get to work rebuilding Iraq by fueling this civil war." We don’t need more liberal bloggers, we need more celebrity arrests.

God Bless Me, uh, I mean, God Bless America,

Dubya

p.s. you never call anymore.