My own Fake Religion

George Carlin on God and Hell: Religion is Bullshit


My buddy Jacob over at Contextual Criticism woke me up to another great blog Unreasonable Faith - If you get a chance, check them both out.

My own fake religion

For the longest time I wanted to build my own fake religion around Fabio’s face killing a goose. March 30th, 1999, Fabio Lanzoni, was stuck in the face by a goose while riding Apollo’s Chariot (a roller coaster) at Bush Gardens. Upon hearing this most unlikely chain of events I couldn’t help but wonder, and then marvel, at the odds. Think of the congruence of events that would lead to such an event. Never in the history of roller coasters had a large eatable bird committed a Kamikaze run. (The goose itself has since been stuffed and sold on eBay The Church of Fabio must have this religious icon returned to the faithful. No doubt, in the far future, taxidermy geese will litter our cathedrals.)

A True Miracle

It’s those long odds which would drive my faith. A goose, upon spying Fabio, said to itself, ‘I hate Fabio so much, I’m going to die trying to kill him.’ (Not an unreasonable thing to think.) As if by destiny, Fabio was riding in the front row of the coaster. What are the odds of that happening? What are the odds of a goose killing itself to fight everything I am not. It was a miracle.

Then, slowly, the entire story came to light. Fabio was the celebrity guest on the maiden voyage of Apollo's Chariot; geese had just begun nesting in the ponds surrounding the coaster. The only thing unusual was that they hit one of the few famous male models. If the Geese would of hit Zoolander, I couldn’t have been filled with less schadenfreude.

The truth: the event wasn’t a matter of chance. The odds of this happening was around 100%. If Bush Gardens had a larger advertising budget that goose may have hit Richards Simmons or Robin Leach. But that won’t mean anything to the faithful. Either this was a miracle or it wasn’t. Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.

Either you think, or you don’t.

The Death penalty according to Leviticus 20: Cursing your parents, committing adultery, making love to your step-mother or your daughter-in-law, homosexuality, beastiality - and here’s where it gets weirder than usual - it’s GOD’s decree that the man-raped animal be put to death; (as a warning to other animals?) Later, Islam picked up this twisted tradition by decreeing that women are animals. Do we really need to listen to people who build their morality on an ancient book? Why is this an argument for hate? The U.S.ofA. is one of the few countries left that deals in capitol punishment. What ever happened to Thou Shall Not Kill? Doesn’t the 10 Commandments trump Leviticus?

Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings. -- Victor Stenge

Rod Blagojevich, the greatest show on earth. Tonight, on Maddow

Rod Blagojevich. What? I don’t. . . What? What is he saying? I don’t get it. And this nonsense has gone on waaaay too long. This can’t be real. Innocent people don’t act like this. No one acts like this. Were the recordings of Rod’s phone calls part of a radio play broadcast out of his basement? What possible defense is there when there isn’t any defense? And then it hit me. Blago’s wig gave it away. I had seen that hair before. That hair belongs to Tony Clifton. Rod Blagojevich is Andy Kauffman.

It’s the perfect ending to Kauffman’s story. We all suspected Kauffman faked his own death back in ‘84. 25 years later, it was time for Kauffman to pounce. Sure, he had some face work done, but you can’t miss those crazy-time-at-the-Apollo eyes. Only Andy Kauffman would find joy in ridiculous prattle in the face of such damning evidence. If Andy did die then we’re going to need an exorcism. Andy is running Blago’s brain. Blago, uh . . . I mean Andy will on Maddow this evening. I’ll make popcorn.

What a guy. Hell of human being. Entertainer extraordinaire, lover, fighter, the immaculate, . . . . Tony Clifton. How does he do it?

If it turns out I’m wrong about the whole Blag-Kauffman connection, the only way this makes sense is if the cops find two kilo’s of blow in his trunk, otherwise, I just don't get it.

Built on Lies - The Church of Scientology, the Mormon Church

What is a cult? Is Scientology a cult? Hell yes it’s a cult. The time for debating such questions has long passed. Scientology may be the best example of a world-wide cult. Calling themselves a church for the tax-exempt status should be a cult beacon. Even a small amount of research yields a plethora of the bullshit they are selling. If there was ever anything you would think we could all believe in, this is it. Scientology is a cult and these cults should not receive tax exempt status. So says my Annonymous pin-up girl!

This video is a little long but it tells the true story of these poor people.

Protest at Scientology's International Headquarters 19 Jan 2009 from Doug Owens on Vimeo

For those lost lonely souls, with low self-esteem, searching for meaning in their lives, lusting for acceptance, Scientology is a dream come true. "If they can show the way to success, maybe I’m just not trying hard enough." Scientology sells answers, and like any religion, rewards devotion.

For most, it’s a waste of time.

I recently heard they abducted The Fresh Prince, Will Smith into their cult. If you’ve never noticed, low self esteem can be a driving force behind a movie star’s motivation to be famous, so its not a surprise that so many celebrities fall for this con. I honestly feel bad for Smith. He seems like a decent guy. Now, he’ll be spending huge amounts of money and decades of time to receive validation from a e-meter. That’s just sad.

If put on trial tomorrow the Scientology cult wouldn’t pass the truth test. Like every other cult they would never survive scrutiny. Life is an emotional ride when you become desperate for an answer, and you can bet the house that the con-men controlling him are fanning those desperation flames as best they can. Right now we could show Will Smith the facts of Scientology, but it wouldn’t be devotion if anyone could dissuade you with facts.

Try telling the widow and mothers of the men who gave to their last in Iraq; try telling them it was all for naught. Try and tell them their sons died for one man’s vanity. You can’t. It would be hurtful and you probably don’t want to be an ass. Truth and facts don’t always matter. Try telling a Scientologist that the last ten years of devotion has been for nothing.

So here goes Will Smith, lumbering through life with a dumb-ass look on his face (see Tom Cruise) believing in a reality that doesn’t exist. His future is lost.

Is he happier?

That’s the question I kept brooding about for a long, long time. What if this nonsense makes him happy? It strikes me very unusual for people to be walking around with big shit-eating grins on their face. It seems unhealthy to believe you are really, really happy all the time. Are they drugged? Maybe I should be drugged? Who’s to say that’s a bad thing? Is he really happy or is he working fervently to be happy? How long can you do that? SERENITY NOW!!! SERENITY NOW!!! SERENITY NOW!!! Serinity now was the answer to my quesiton, Is he happier? No, he's not.

So, I turn away from Will Smith. I know it isn’t right. It’s like listening to a couple fight in the next room. When you call the cops? Did he hit her? Why does this Scientology cult still receive tax exempt status? Did someone at the IRS get paid off?

The Mormon Cult

As far a cults go, this one has been breeding those nightmare, children-of-the-corn, people for waaay to long. Unbeknownst to most, there is a theocratic state among the fifty. I often wonder how the state of Utah would respond to missionaries trying to convert their citizens to the not-so-crazy version of Christianity. Mormons don’t have a great track record of tolerance and if you want to piss off a Mormon, just mention that you are so very sad that genetics proves the Book of Mormon to be a lie.

The Mormons teach us that it doesn’t matter how nutty your belief is, as long as oblique happiness is a byproduct. Why wouldn’t you be happy? If you can talk yourself into believing the unbelievable then you can certainly force yourself to believe this blind faith is making you happy.
The problem with cults isn’t that they distort truth from just a few, when the faith grows to several million and becomes institutionalized, truth becomes the handmaiden to mental illness. How long can you lie to yourself before you. . . .SERENITY NOW!!! SERENITY NOW!!! SERENITY NOW!!!

Let’s say you’re a young girl, growing up in Utah, under the Mormon faith. How much free-will do you receive from this religion? Not much. It’s brainwashing on a massive scale. It’s sick, it’s twisted, and God would never want women treated that way. We should be sending missionaries to Utah in hopes of liberating these women. Between God and family, I don’t imagine they have the option to take another path. Feeling trapped.

Built on Lies

Cults are built on lies and run on power and money. Mormon men have had a long history of working toward controlling women. Multiple wives is only a symptom of a much larger cultural problem. By proclaiming it "God’s will" how women behave, they have institutionalized slavery for the believers. Those that don’t believe are institutionally disavowed. For the "Church" of Scientology it’s more about money, with church members using "any means necessary" to fight enemies of the Church of Scientology. Don’t believe me? Please, please read about the Cult of Scientology in this Time Magazine Article: The Thriving Cult of Greed and Power

There’s much, much more at:

http://www.xenu.net
http://www.xenutv.com/
http://www.youfoundthecard.com/
http://www.taxexemptchildabuse.net/
http://theunfunnytruth.ytmnd.com/
http://www.exscientologykids.com/
http://www.goanonymous.org/

In March of Last year I reported on one of the coolest things I have ever seen. It’s the story of Anonymous. Who is Anonymous? We all are, but in this case it’s a group of students and young people that have taken it upon themselves to announce that the Emperor of Scientology has no cloths! What makes Anonymous so powerful is that they are organized throughout the internet, thousands of them. They are nothing more than a group of decent people that can understand hypocrisy. They understand the difference between right and wrong. They believe we all have the right to fight against the evil, that is, Scientology. And I’m in love with my Anonymous pin-up girl. Anonymous unrequited love. Never a good idea.

Olbermann's 8 Years in 8 Minutes, My Best Investment Advice and the Growing Spooner Threat.

Keith Olbermann with eight years in eight minutes:


My best Investment advice:

This is the time to invest in Obama dinner plates. Obama coins are just stupid. Word on the street: The Bradford Exchange has cornered the fake collectable dinnerware market. I like to imagine that the Bradford was wiped out along with the NYSE when a small earthquake hit. At once, thousands of collector plates fall off the wall forcing hundreds of plate millionaires into despair; three of them try to commit suicide by throwing themselves out of the windows of the Bradford Exchange. It isn’t until they land in the flower bed outside do they remember they are in a one floor building in the middle of Iowa.

Right now, in your city, is a person with a complete fifty-state spoon collection that took four years to complete. I don’t make any judgments on these type of people - let’s call them Spooners. Okay, I’m lying. I make huge judgements about Spooners. Do they live amongst us? Are they teaching my children? Gaaawd! Say it isn’t so.

During Obama’s term of office we must face the growing Spooner threat. These people, and I use the term ‘people’ loosely, could be spending time with our kids. They could be telling your grandchildren about the new Franklin Mint Presidential Thimble collection. Thimbles!!! Are you prepared to live the consequences of doing nothing? Some say that there is a strong Nurse/Spooner correlation. No one knows for sure, but these Spooners could be taking care of your father in that old age home you can’t remember the name of. It’s a terrifying thought.

Collectable plates make me want to resurrect my failing harp seal pinata business or finally invest in a tortilla press with a sketch of Jesus etched into the metal. I’ll be printing out Jesus-on-a-tortilla as fast the Franklin Mint can produce those three eagle/two flag Obama plates. My new Jesus-in-a-tortilla will be in full color, have Obama, four eagles, three fully colored flags, Mt. Rushmore and on the backside it will feature a picture of General George Patton, Abraham Lincoln and Uncle Sam as they fall off the twin towers on 9/11. Each hand crafted tortilla will be saluted by a full bird colonel before shipping in this stylish plastic bag, and clearly stamped with love: “God Bless America and Jesus Loves You.” But wait, that’s not all. Along with each Jesus-on-a-tortilla will be an Indulgence forgiving you of all your sins. Each indulgence will be signed by an aging baseball hall-of-famer and countersigned by Jesus himself. For verification purposes, each indulgence shares a bate stamped twelve digit authentication code, guaranteeing your place in heaven beside Jesus and Obama. It’s perfect for hanging on any wall or can be used as emergency toilet paper.

The Trial of George Bush

Media vultures are circling. Blood is in the water. It’s Lord of the Flies meets Revenge of the Nerds. There’s gonna’ be a hangin’. Sheeple will rise up together and become men. Banging the trial drum in protection of President Bush will be a chorus of right-wing octogenarians singing, “We ain’t fur it, we’re again’ it!” No one listens. Bush couldn’t create jobs when he was in office, but his trial should launch many careers. Monday evening Olbermann will be giving us his special comment on why this country should bring President Bush to trial on charges of torture. Didn’t Shakespear write this story?

I don’t find it difficult to believe that we’ve been watching a puppet/dupe President, designed by script, to perpetuate a fraud. A script written by war profiteers and big oil executives strictly for monetary gain. And like a bookie with a fixed game, word gets out. If the rich white criminals were worried about the law, Republicans had their back. There won’t be an investigation because there won’t be any regulations. Toward the end of the dupe-President’s term other corporations wanted their taste at the trough. The doors to the treasury were thrown wide. Logging, auto, homebuilders, all, stepped up to the banquet. The Banks were first in line. Time was growing short. Out of frustration Bush finally said, “here, take all the money” and the Mint’s printing presses began churning out hundred’s like they were putting out a fire. The only way it could of been worse was if Congress had authorized a thousand dollar note.

Now, I am forced to watched the third act of the Shakespearian tragedy, not because someone has a gun to my head, but because I dearly need the validation that the destruction of our nation and possibly the world, means something. It took eight years to produce this play and we finally caught the villain in this story of greed and hubris. It’s the kind of story that demands a reckoning. I’m ashamed to admit that I am lusting for it.

Can there be a trial of George W. Bush without CNN broadcasting live coverage? All I know is that I have no free will. I must watch the Trial-of-the-century-gate.

End the Gate!

In an effort to place a wooden stake through the heart of the suffix “gate,” I am calling on the internet community to support me in artificially adding “gate” to “the trial,” and daring the media outlets: Any use of "gate" after this will be severely vilified and cursed. “End the gate!”* *One proviso, if by chance this movement is caught up in a scandal, then we can call that “End-the-gate-gate!”

Loss of My Free Will - Gate

Dust off the guillotine and polish up that blade. If this trial was a concert I’d be first in line. If it was a shopping mall I’d be their drunken Santa. If it was a breakfast, I’d be the sterling silver ladle of justice pouring its frothy white cream over the freshly picked strawberries of crime. (The Tick.) Honestly, Bush’s trial-gate has me worried for my own health. That Roman Coliseum stone seating will be difficult to manage. I’ll need some pillows, two extra televisions complete with Tivo and some sort of colostomy bag. I expect to die from muscle atrophy before “The Trial” is finished. I don’t care if Cheney’s minions sneak in the back door and steal the silverware, I want my front row seat.

But, it all seems too perfect. Act III, Enter stage from the left-wing: A new symbol of hope walks on stage, a black man in shining armor. He’ll be the one to smite the evildoer.

But lest we forget, it was the people of this country that elected George Bush and we all share the blood on our hands for that knucklehead move. Or, at least half of us should.

CNN will be giving Trial-gate a theme song. I vote we steal the Baretta one: