Minnows in the Milk

My favorite con-man is Judge Roy Bean, Law west of the Pecos. Not to be overly romanticized, Bean had a long history of petty crimes. (Thieving, cattle rustling, fraud.) His brothers were men of reputation and so Roy Bean always carried himself boastful. Roy’s brother, Josh Bean, was the first mayor of San Diego, CA. (Which explains some things about San Diego.)

What catches my attention is how Roy Bean changed as a man. During the first part of his life Bean was a real sum’ bitch. His character was exposed when patrons of his San Antonio dairy found minnows in the milk. Roy had been watering down the milk without filtering the water. To which Roy replied, "I'll have to stop them cows from drinking out of the creek."

And while particulars of a man’s character is difficult to judge after a century, I’ve always found that money is more telling than opinion. When Bean had a chance to strike out on another venture, a local businessman paid $900 on the spot for all of Bean’s possessions so that he would leave town. By every definition, Bean was a scoundrel of the first sort.


It was 1882 when duly appointed Judge Roy Bean built a saloon, The Jersey Lilly, about 20 miles west of the Pecos River. But that seems to be where his character changes. The con-man in Bean still thrived, but his greed was tempered. While it’s true that none of the fines imposed by his court were ever turned over to the county, most of the money didn’t end up in Bean’s pockets either. Bean was re-elected again and again because he would personally help many of the down and out residents of the area. He was truly the first Robin Hood of con-men.

Even though he was often referred to as "the hangin’ judge," records show he never hung anyone. Those few that were found guilty of "hommyside" and sentenced to the hangin’ tree were allowed to escape. There was no jail. According to legend, the only recourse they had other than fining offenders was to throw the man in the cage with "Bruno" the bear.

Judge Roy Bean was the quintessential small time con man and while his legacy is mostly wrapped up in some of his most outrageous rulings from his bench - (like the time he fined a corpse or freed a man for killin’ a Chinaman after deciding there wasn’t a law against it.) - it was Bean’s small time (nickle and dime) scams that demand my admiration.

An honorable con-man

Bean found his calling as he began specializing in finable cases. On that rare occasion when he sentenced a confessed horse thief to death the crime quickly turned into a fining offence when the man was found to have $400 in cash. Not wanting to leave the man destitute, Bean only fined him $300.

Judge Bean loved to fleece the railroad passengers. He had a long tradition of delaying the return of change from purchases in the Jersey Lilly just before the train blew it’s whistle at departure. When patrons would swear in disgust at not yet receiving their change, Bean would fine them for cursing. In the end patrons would be forced to sprint back to the train without recompense.

Just as today, only district courts in Texas were allowed to grant divorces, but Bean had no problem granting $10 divorce decrees. Weddings cost $5. For free he’d thrown in his famous blessing for the couple, "and may God have mercy on your souls."

Typical Bean rulings:

It is the judgment of this court that you are hereby tried and convicted of illegally and unlawfully committing certain grave offences against the peace and dignity of the State of Texas, particularly in my bailiwick, to wit: drunk and disorderly, and being Law West of the Pecos, I fine you two dollars; then get the hell out of here and never show yourself in this court again. That’s my rulin’"
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"Hear ye! Hear ye! This honorable court is now in session, and if anybody wants a snort before we start, step up to the bar and name your poison."
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"Carlos Robles, you been tried by twelve true and good men, not men of yore peers, but as high above you as heaven is of hell; and they've said you're guilty of rustlin' cattle."

Jury selection as restricted to his good drinking customers only, and were forced to buy at least one drink during every court recess.

For a short time in 1896 Bean was in a tough position when the county commissioners fired him after election results recorded more people than were eligible to vote. Without an income Bean’s con-man ingenuity flowered again. Opportunity came knocking when boxing was declared illegal in Texas, Mexico and many other states. The Judge gained national recognition when he hosted the world championship boxing match between Bob Fitzsimmons and Peter Maher on a sand island in the middle of the Rio Grande. Brilliant.

Bean also distinguishes himself from other con men by his romantic streak - which I adore. He was in love with Lilly Langtry and a poster of her adorned the wall of his saloon which was named after her. It was a pure love. They never met.

Explaining why he had helped so many people, Roy Bean said, "I haven't been any gol-dang angel myself and there might be a lot charged up to me on Judgment Day; and I figure what good I can do-the Lord will give me credit when the time comes."

In case you didn’t know, Bean’s saloon is still there. The Jersey Lilly is about 50 miles from Del Rio, Texas.

Con Games and Jesus

So here’s how it works. I am the captain of the airplane. First class tickets are a grand a piece but once you own those seats you get to sell other first class tickets, keeping $500 for yourself and paying your captain $500. You sell two seats behind you and you’ve already broken even. When the people you’ve sold those seats to go on to sell seats of their own, you get a forth of their sales - $250 - and your captain gets $250. You receive even more money when those people go on to sell seats of their own. Your cut rises dramatically if you go on to sell more $1000 first class seats. As more and more passengers fill our plane your financial security will be assured. Do the math yourself. Within just a few generations we can all be millionaires on Tommy’s plane ride to wealth.

Flim-flam men, hucksters, con men, grifters, thimbleriggers, and preachers, it’s one of my favorite subjects. If you like Confidence games, check out my blog entry:

http://fluffer-union.blogspot.com/2007/11/good-con-man-is-not-hard-to-find.html

Senator Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) is probing six ministries led by Paula White, Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, Eddie Long, Kenneth Copeland, and Benny Hinn.

Oh, Benny, Benny, Benny, what have you done now? Grassley’s finance committee has demanded their financial records and none of these ministries have yet to produce anything to the committee.

Pam’s House Blend picked up the story. . .
http://www.pamshouseblend.com/showDiary.do?diaryId=4256

This story has everything. I love this story. It has tweaked my schadenfreuden guru. I can't wait to see what happens next. Once the committee has these financial records they become public. I plan on getting my own copy.

My guess is that the ministries are not afraid of breaking the tax law, but they are scared to death that their own congregations may find out where the money is going.

It’s been reported that Benny Hinn has:

A $10-million, 7,000 sq. ft. home, $112,000 per month for a private jet, a couple of $80,000 cars, luxury hotel rooms that are 5,400 sq. ft. at $10,800 per night for a "layover." At least Hinn is generous with his tips, which totaled over $4,500 during a recent three-day period. A salary of half a million to a million dollars per year--plus book royalties.

According to: http://blog.kir.com/archives/003639.asp

I’d like you to disregard my opening pitch. Instead:

Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Pope of Austin. And yes, I talk to God on a regular basis.

For this month only, I am offering half price on all Indulgences. How can you pass that up? Everlasting redemption for just three easy payments of $29.95, complete with a signed document from the Pope of Austin himself that you can give to God to show him how you have paid for your sins. But hold on. There’s more. Not only do you get everlasting salvation, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness. Big hitter the Lama.

A GOOD CON MAN IS NOT HARD TO FIND

Never, in the history of the world, has a wall or a fence worked to keep people out. Smuggling tunnels have been found all across our souther border for years. The entire ‘wall concept’ doesn’t work. A wall is just spending more money after bad. To make the wall work, we’d need half a trillion dollars, which is much more than this country loses from illegal immigrants. But for only 55 million dollars, Chris Simcox, founder and president of the Minuteman Defense Corps is going to get the job done.

If you read some of my other entries you many notice that I enjoy a good con game. A ‘good’ con game is when the victims are their own worst enemies. Chris did is what every good con man does. He sold the impossible dream. In his case, a 2,000 mile, 14ft high Israeli-style fence equipped with a moat, video cameras and razor wire to defend the U.S. from those horrible Mexicans looking for work. And the whole thing could be yours for 55 million dollars.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/11/07/border.fence/

To his credit, he knows his audience. Using the battle cry, ‘if our government won’t fix the problem, we’ll do it ourselves,’ he rased a huge amount of cash. When asked by his redneck, Billy-Bob Bubba minutemen employees where the money is being spent, he fired them. Phone calls to the Israeli fence company and other companies Simcox said he was affiliated with denied any knowledge of Simcox or the Minuteman Defense Corps.

This is actually one of the simplest and most effective cons ever devised. As owner of this cause, Chris can spend the money in promoting the cause, thereby allowing him to live lavishly in the pursuit of this promotion. He could effectively play this con for years because, by definition, it’s not against the law.

The victims of this con couldn’t be a sorrier bunch of som-bitch haters. I’ve lived in Texas my entire life and I’ve only known Mexican immigrants as hard working and decent people which is more than I can say about the white people I’ve known. For the Minutemen, Mexicans walking across their property in search of work are the pinnacle of the problems with this country. Not many thinkers in this bunch. http://www.minutemanhq.com/hq/

If you are wondering why I am so anti-Minutemen, there’s a story behind that. A few years ago I was in Eagle Pass, TX where I ran into a dozen of these morons in a local bar. They opened up to me when I told them I was a screen writer and bought a round of drinks. One of their best ideas, (according to the top thinker of the bunch) was to erect a series of automated towers around the border equipped with a sniper rifle and a high powered video cameras. They got the idea from the recent invention of internet hunting. The grand drunken idea was to hunt Mexicans. I shit you not. They actually thought it was a capitol idea to murder by remote control. All I could think of when they were telling me their brilliant plan was that crazy old man that lived in East Austin who shot a couple of teenagers that kept walking on his lawn.

So, Bravo!, Chris Simcox! You’re doing a fine job. As far as I’m concerned, you are a modern day Robin Hood. Taking money from racists doesn’t bother me so much. Although, you might want to consider building something bigger than a cow fence so you can show that you are actually spending some of the money on your cause. And you need to hire more illustrators to show what the fence will actually look like. There isn’t many readers in your audience.

Chris, I’m giving you my Krusty Brand Seal of Approval.