Money, Oil, Greed, Bribery, and 13 year old crack whores, The Bill Allen Story

Operation Party Hard



Saturday March 15th is the next protest day against Scientology. I’ll be there this time, but I need to find a good mask. I hear cowls are in this year so I’ll probably go as Batman. I invite all of my Super Friends into joining me. Once again I invite anyone from Anonymous to exchange e-mails with me about the history of Anonymous or any other interesting facts. I’d love to write an article on your heroics.

On another note:

Now that Omar is dead, I can’t stop thinking about my new hero. I know I’ve written about him before but I can’t get enough of Bill Allen. For those of you who don’t read Basket of Puppies on a regular basis VECO’s former CEO, Bill Allen is the new Hunter S. Thompson. For years he had the arrogance to bribe his way around the U.S. Senate and the Alaskan Legislature. He’s already been indicted, pled guilty, but still has some more trials to face.

I’m a little slow on this update. Suzi-Q brought the news to my attention:
Allen teen sex inquiry reopened - from Feb. 3rd. Apparently this story is just beginning.

I love this story. I’m calling dibs on writing the screenplay “Money, Oil, Greed, Bribery, and 13 year old crack whores, The Bill Allen Story.”

In his world, their love is considered taboo. In her world, there were no taboos. Two people come together in a freaky weird night of passion, crack and quarterly reports. Can true love work between a 60 year old alcoholic oil executive and a 13 year old crack whore? Wilford Brimley as CEO of VECO oil, Bill Allen. Suzanne Summers as the thirteen year old crack whore Bambi Tyree. Together, they’ll teach you how to love again.

When will I find my Bambi Tyree? I know, I’m a romantic. Maybe if I put an ad on Craig’s list.
_______________

Stephen Colbert played this Arnold Schwarzenegger Japanese Commercial on his show last night. I can’t help but wonder if LSD is the new national Japanese pass time.



I don’t know what’s in that little bottle, but these guys are tippin balls and I’m not sure it’s the good kind of trip. It gives off that weird yellow submarine vibe. And what gives with the maniacal laughter?
______________

Again with Rev. Gary Aldridge. . .

I received a weird anonymous e-mail. They wanted to know why I thought the story of Rev. Gary Aldridge was so funny. For those of you who don’t read my blog, Rev. Gary Aldridge was a well liked pastor of the Montgomery's Thorington Road Baptist Church in Alabama. Republican conservative hypocrisy isn’t always essential in bringing the funny, but my shadenfreud guru hasn’t been this happy since Swaggart got caught with a whore.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1008072scuba1.html

But let me be specific. It’s not funny when a proper, well dignified, upstanding pillar of the Christian community, and pastor of a major ultra-conservative Baptist church goes home after a hard day of Churchin’, sits down, watches some T.V. and then goes about inserting a dildo into his rectum before putting on a rubber suit. Okay, that is kind of funny. Mainly because of all the hard work involved in covering your entire body in rubber with a dildo up your ass. It must of taken him twenty minutes. (I don’t think I have the energy for a fetish.)

Real funny comes from shock and awe as the mega- church learns the truth. For most of the congregation I’m sure it had to be explained. “What is autoerotic asphyxiation daddy?”

You know they didn’t explain his death at Sunday mass. They couldn’t post it on the community bulletin board. They probably came out and said, “sorry, he’s dead. No reason. He just died.” How could they say anything else? You can’t just lay ‘dildo, rubber suit and autoerotic asphyxiation’ on a delicate congregation and then follow with Amazing Grace. (I would of paid to seen that.)

News must of spread like a Vegas bride. It fills me with shadenfreud glee thinking about the myriad of right-wing Alabama grandmothers that were given an advance study course in fetish and fetish safety. Do you have a safety word grandma?

What would Jesus say? “Blessed are the ruber-ee. For they shall bounce highest.”

Special Prosecutors to Investigate the Bush Administration?

Republican Congressman Jack Kingston was on Real Time with Bill Maher and left us full of warm fuzzy dumbness. Responding to Obama-mania, Jack brought up Barak’s obvious lack of patriotism by not wear flag lapel pin and then berated him for not placing his hand over his heart during the national anthem. I couldn’t help but wonder if Kingston was mentally retarded. What kind of person questions a U.S. Senator’s patriotism? Judging from the deep introspective nature of Jack Kingston comments, his patriotism comes from an IQ of 80.

If Republican’s get to impugn a candidates’ patriotism, I think the liberal left should be allowed to question the sanity of Republicans. Is McCain stable enough to run this country? I don’t know, but I saw his hand do that old-man shake the other day. He may be unstable. Most Republican’s are.

How do these dim bulbs like Kingston get elected?

I was happy to see that Crooks and Liars comment on this nonsense.

Congressman Jack Kingston, you win the prize. Help support special Olympics. Anyone can be a Congressman.

On another note. . .

What cost 200 million dollars and will be seen as a monument to war? Dubya’s Presidential library has been given a green light at SMU - in Dallas. As a tribute I imagine that the constitution will be printed on the toilet paper for every restroom.

200 Million dollars. Could a 500% tax on all future Presidential libraries be considered? Why can’t we have a President willing to set aside his ego and spend the money on his constituents instead? Wouldn’t a sane person be willing to send 20,000 kids to college instead? That would create a real legacy.

On another note:

I remember hearing this during the debates, but it didn’t really sink in until later.

Obama:

“You know, I’ve heard from an Army captain who was the head of a rifle platoon — supposed to have 39 men in a rifle platoon,” he said. “Ended up being sent to Afghanistan with 24 because 15 of those soldiers had been sent to Iraq. And as a consequence, they didn’t have enough ammunition, they didn’t have enough humvees. They were actually capturing Taliban weapons, because it was easier to get Taliban weapons than it was for them to get properly equipped by our current commander in chief.”

Could this be true? Yes. Yes it is. Check out the Associated Press’ fact check to the story.

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory?id=4346903

How can the Republicans in Congress support this kind of thing? Dubya obviously doesn’t care. But the real question is why news like this only gets to the public through a Presidential candidate? Why am I not reading about this on the front page of the New York Times every day? Why can’t television news cover stuff like this? I am reminded of William Randolph Hurst who said, “you provide the pictures, and I’ll provide the war.” And he did. Now, the media’s interest is to keep the war going.

Special Prosecutor

I finally broke down and called the Obama and Clinton campaign headquarters to get an answer to my question: “Is the candidate willing to appoint a special prosecutor to go after any of the myriad of Bush administration’s crimes?” I wasn’t interested in the answer. I knew how they would answer. It was the way they responded to me that answered my real question about the character of the candidate.

I called the Hillary campaign headquarters here in Austin first. I needed to know the number for the her national campaign headquarters. The volunteer that answered the phone wanted to know why I needed the number. I told her. With a defiant attitude she told me that if it wasn’t on Clinton’s web site, then she didn’t have a comment. Again, I asked for the national campaign phone number. She wouldn’t give it. I hung up when I found the number on-line. As it turns out, the national office mimicked what the volunteer in Austin said. If it ain’t on the web site, she won’t comment. Sweet.

Obama’s camp was a different scene entirely. My question to the Austin office immediately elicited a phone number for press inquiries in the national office in Chicago where I was told, politely, Obama’s party-line to re-vamp the Justice Department. The guy I was talking to knew what I was asking was not on Obama’s web site and he genuinely tried to help me. At the end of our conversation he took may name, e-mail, and phone number and promised to get back to me with a more detailed answer. I’ll write about his response, if he responds, with my next post.

Until then: DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!

Don't talk back to Darth Vader

Don’t talk back to Darth Vader. He’ll get ya. This little girl goes on to give a very well thought out synopsis of the movie Star Wars.



My bad

I've gotten a few angry e-mails from bluegrass lovers. And yes, I made a disparaging remark about bluegrass music in an earlier post. (I said something to the effect that bluegrass was a used to serenade pre-raped livestock.) For that I apologize. I went too far. But to be fair, I never thought hill folk knowd how to read.

Bluegrass is more than just a way to arouse unwilling sheep. It speaks to the soul of the modern day hill-folk in all of us. Listening to this bluegrass I’m reminded that you have a pretty mouth. These guys have some game:



RIP Omar Little. June 28, 1958 - February 24, 2008
“It’s all in the game.”



“I have the shotgun.. . . you got the briefcase.” - Omar Little.
"When you come at the King, you best not miss." - Omar Little

Lies Worth Telling

You can’t swing a dead cat in Austin today without hitting a presidential candidate. It’s a sad state of affairs. With so much politicin’ goins ons I thought I’d write about lies. I don’t think you can be a politician without lying. The two seem to go hand in hand like Republicans and corruption.

A little over a year ago my brother came to me and said he had made the choice to never lie. He had read about, and thought about, the concept of never lying and decided that it is a better way of living. He may be right. His declaration left me thinking about lies. Mostly, my own. One of my sustaining bullshit lines is that “you don’t have to believe in Jesus to do the right thing.” - something I say all too often. Was I doing the right thing with my lies? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I lie all the time.

Lies worth telling

Alec is my girl friend’s fifteen year old son. On many occasions complete strangers have commented that my ‘son’ looks just like me. It’s just easier to lie and say, thank you. If I chose not to lie I have to explain why I’m hanging out with a 15 year old. It’s a lie of no consequence and of simple convenience. That may not the kind of lie I need to be concerned with.

The movie “The Razor’s Edge” starring Bill Murray had a profound impact on me. In a subplot of the movie, Denholm Elliot plays Elliott Templeton, a dedicated Parisian socialite. Elliot defines himself through his snobbish and upper class ways and treats Bill Murray’s character, Larry Darrell, most unfairly. He has a general disdain for Larry throughout his life. (Larry is of low breeding.) On his deathbed, Elliot is waiting desperately in anticipation of being invited to the social event of the season. Larry lies to Elliot. He tells the dying man that a private messenger has just arrived and had brought an invitation. Elliot’s last moments were joyful, believing that he had been accepted into Parisian high society. It was a lie that told of Larry’s forgiveness toward Elliot. It was a forgiveness that was un-asked and undeserved. It was forgiveness built on a lie. The only consequence was the happiness of a dying man.

Other lies also seem worth the effort. Like when your best friend in high school gets his ass handed to him in a street fight behind a bar, lying isn’t such a bad thing. As you are helping him into the car you let him know that he got off a couple of good hits before that big guy beat the crap out of him. You say things like, “Hell, I’m surprised the guy was still standing. You hit him hard. I’ll bet he takes steroids or he’s on some kind of drugs.” Little lies like that seem decent and good.


Organized Religion

Organized religion always struck me as just another game of one-upmanship. It’s one holy man bragging to another.

“Oh yeah, well, my love for God is more perfect than yours because I won’t eat swine.”

“I call your no pig diet, and raise you by cutting off the foreskin off my penis.”

“Okay. That’s a good one. But I’ll do that also, and I’ll whip myself when I pray. God will certainly like me best.”

When did religion become an episode of Big Brother? When did God demand that we spend our time here trying to curry her favor?

Religion’s biggest enemy has always been this dumb-ass competition. God doesn’t care who you have sex with. Or what kind of food you eat. Or the clothes you wear. God doesn’t even care if we hurt one another. Sins reside without God. If we exist forever the memory of hurting other people will bare emotional scars throughout eternity. I already feel bad about some of the dumb crap I’ve done. Imagine feeling guilty for a hundred thousand years. Guilt is a heavy weight to carry through all eternity. I’d rather do the right thing.

But mostly, how in the hell did cutting off your foreskin become something God wants you to do? How does that meeting happen?

“Okay guys, I’ve talked to God and he wants us to cut our penis foreskin off.”

“God said that? Are you sure? Because when God talked to me earlier, he said we should take a hammer and beat our penis flat every morning.”

“I vote we just cut off the foreskin. All in favor?”

Lying isn’t a sin. It’s just something we do. It’s this religious one-upmanship that pushes the concept of lying into the ‘yes or no’ category. Asking if lying is wrong is like asking if yawning is wrong. I think the only sin comes from lying to yourself.

Besides, God likes me best. Hopefully, someone will arrive with a document from God declaring my Sainthood moments before I die. If not, I hope God will have the courtesy to lie and tell me I got a couple of good shots in before life kicked my ass.

Dick Cheney in Fishnets and a Miniskirt

There comes a time in every great country when differences are set aside. When we all come together and realize as one nation what matters to us most.
Did Roger Clemens take steroids and growth hormone? I don’t know, but I think it’s important enough for our Congress to drop everything and hold hearings on this vital issue of national security in a time of war. It only seems proper to keep steering toward the iceberg. It’ll get out of the way.

After all, professional baseball isn’t just analogous to America, it’s one of the few sports that exists solely because of grain alcohol and binocular flasks. If America’s pastime was found to be somehow tainted from the illegal steroids use, I would be throughly shocked into nuanced schadenfrueden. If I couldn’t believe in baseball, I’m not sure I could believe in America. And if I can’t believe in America, I can’t believe in a 50ft Michael Jackson with lasers that come out of his eyes. Anarchy is not far behind.

With no other recourse I turned to baby infant Jesus for some help. I said, “Baby infant Jesus, what if . . ?” And I hesitated, not sure of how he’d respond. “What if Clemens was taking steroids? How can I go on?”

And Jesus came unto me and said, “Tommy, wake up!” He scared me good. I farted and he made fun of the smell. I don’t want to tell the rest of the story. He was mean.

So now I keep Jesus out of it and pray directly to God. I pray, “Dear God. Save us from your followers. Protect professional baseball. And please, give this Congress a dirty Sanchez. Amen.”

I always offer up something funny for God in my prayers. I figure most prayers go unanswered just because she’s tired of hearing about misery and pain. Last month I prayed that Dick Cheney would get a DUI while dressed as a woman. Less than a week later Judge “Robert Somma, 63, was arrested on Feb. 6 after his Mercedes-Benz hit a pickup truck on a Massachusetts road. When authorities removed him from the vehicle, they said he wore a black women's cocktail dress, fishnet stockings and high heels.” My prayer missed its mark. God must of thought it was funny enough to hit someone with it. Sorry Robert. Why do you suppose God keeps making Republicans the butt of her jokes? I would of thought she was finished messing with Republicans when earlier last year prominent Alabama minister Gary Aldridge was found hogtied wearing a rubber suit with a dildo up his own ass after he died from autoerotic asphyxiation.

I still think it would of been funnier if Dick Cheney was found in fishnets and a miniskirt. I’ve always imagined that he’s led an incredible secret double life. Word on the internet is . . .

. . . once every full moon Dick Cheney dresses up as Betty Page and does a special dance for his old lodge buddies. By 2:00 a.m. the peyote and vicodin take effect and the party grows into Roman man-orgy which doesn’t reach a climax until Cheney is forced to drink human blood thru a severed goat penis. But after that’s it’s straight back to work. Hard worker the Vice President.

At least that’s what it says on the internet. And we all know, if it’s on the internet, it must be true.

I keep wondering if Congress should delve into the underbelly of professional curling. Word on the net says those broom unions are a rats nest of deceit and villainy. After that Congress can have hearings on that fifth dentist that won’t endorse sugarless gum for those that chew gum. I’m pretty sure it’s Ron Paul. After that, maybe, we can get around to finding out where billions of dollars went missing in Iraq, but sometime this year I want a full investigation into Janeane Garofalo. She’s the Lillie Langtry to my Judge Roy Bean.

Negative Campaigning

It looks like I’ll be eating my words. In an earlier post I said that I thought Hillary would win the primary because she is bound to get most of the super delegates. As Obama’s lead grows that may not be a foregone conclusion.

I’m sure you’ve heard Obama’s “Yes We Can” speech. If not, click here.

If you’d like to fully understand why Sen. Clinton will lose, check out her video response to the Yes We Can video:



I feel like I’m watching an “Up with People” rally. This video says, Hillary is the whiter candidate and ready to audition for the Sonny and Cher show. I can’t imagine this video really came from her camp. If not, this is the best piece of negative campaigning ever created. If it is from the Hillary campaign, it must of been created by a Republican.

There's more soul in the Banana Splits.



I watched this show religiously when I was a kid along with H.R. Pufnstuf. Why did I watch this? I’m not sure. I clearly remember dreaming of driving around in the Banana Buggy with Drooper the lion, Snorky the Elephant, Fleegle the Beagle, and Bingo, the whatever he was. Little did I know that the Banana Splits was part of the government’s new pro-epilepsy policy.

If the Clinton video is what happens to white musicians that never take any drugs, then the Banana Splits is what happens to drug users that turn Republican.

This one hurts also. . .

Anonymous v. Scientology

I want to commend the group Anonymous for all the work they've done unmasking the evil cult, Scientology. Here's video posted to youtube with their protest here in Austin.

America’s Home Grown Terrorists. Anonymous fights back

While working on my early 19th century vocabulary, I noticed that huckleberry’s like myself have been watching this Scientology brew-ha-ha grow into a nare-do-well ruckus for a couple of months now, dag-nab-it.

First there was the book, Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, which paid for lawyers all over the world to send their children to college. I don’t know if any of these accusations are real, but even before I heard them I was dubious about Mr. Cruise. What kind of person sues for being called gay? How insecure is he? The Cruise cult immediately released their lawyer dogs and tried to sue in England.

Then came the Tom Cruise interview video that the Scientologists tried to redact from the internet. (Click here).

They’re still trying to sue anyone who posts it, which makes me wonder if they really think the internet is just a series of tubes. I would of loved to be at the office party when the lawyers were told they were going to be paid for censoring the internet. How much does that cost? I haven’t seen thinking like that since the Republicans demanded the government deport 11 million Mexicans. “Yeah, we’ll get right on that.” - spokesman for the Dept. Of Immigration.

Best I can figure, Scientology may just be a cult of lawyers. Not much else about them makes sense.

The Internet fights back!

Yesterday a group calling themselves ‘Anonymous’ took to the streets to protest Scientology. Some of them even protested outside Austin’s own Church of Scientology on the Drag. Anonymous is a group of interneters that feel they’ve had enough of the vindictive ways of the Church of Scientology and its corrupt nature.

For years I had decided to give the Cult of Cruise the benefit of the doubt; after all, I’ve never heard of them actually hurting anyone. Which actually means I was too lazy to do a google search. One google search later:

Terrorists Alert!

There are terrorists. Right here in River City. “That’s a ‘T’ that rhymes with “T’ that stands for terrorists.”*

* from Dick Cheney’s big book of homosexual-free re-written Broadway musical numbers

Not only is The Church of Scientology a cult, these guys are terrorists! If you take the time to look at the protesters in Austin (click here) you’ll see some are wearing masks. Why? They say it’s because they were afraid of retaliation, and after researching the issues I’m convinced that it’s not a far fetched assumption.

Here’s two entries in Wikipedia which will explain:

Operation Snow White

Operation Snow White is the story of when the scientologists “. . . included a series of infiltrations and thefts from 136 government agencies, foreign embassies and consulates, as well as private organizations critical of Scientology, carried out by Church members; the single largest infiltration of the United States government in history with up to 5,000 covert agents.” WTF? Is this right? Yes, apparently it is. Don’t they call this kind of thing ‘Organized Crime?”

Operation Freak Out

Operation Freak Out was a conspiracy to frame author Paulette Cooper on false bomb-threat charges, and conspiracies to frame Gabe Cazares, mayor of Clearwater, Florida, on false hit-and-run charges.

They wanted Paulette Cooper in prison or committed to a mental institution for writing a tell-all book about their cult. After reading what these thetan obsessed morons did to Cooper, I’m having a hard time understanding how they kept their tax-exempt status. Since when do we allow criminal organizations to set up shop downtown? Since when do we give tax-exempt status to criminals? Always. That’s the American way.

Paulette Cooper said it best in her own words: Looking over my shoulder, The Inside Account of the Story That Almost Killed Me: Saturday, June 23, 2007

If you really want to know all about Scientology check out Inside Scientology written by Janet Reitman for Rolling Stone Magazine.

If you want an even closer look into this madness, check out L. Ron Hubbard’s own words click here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2594270091066150939

Best as I can figure, the Group Anonymous is just that. I’m not sure how to join, but I did grab this interesting comment from the internet:

How do I join the internet group ‘Anonymous?’

Jim Crocker
__________

Jim,

If you want to be anonymous, maybe you should stop putting your name at the end of everything, dumbass.

Sincerely,
Anonymous.
Working for the International Brotherhood of Mind your Own Business. Or, NAMBLA for short. A wholly pwned subsidiary of Who The Fuck Are You?, Inc.

This whole thing gained momentum when this Tom Cruise interview video hit the internet:

The Defamer.com has done a great job in bringing the fight to the sociopath Scientologists. Click here

I think the group Anonymous is the most interesting part of this story. Other sites point to 711Chan.org - Here’s their forum discussing the protest: http://711chan.org/xenu/

I can’t get over how a virtual community can come alive like that. That’s huge. Whoever you are Anonymous, keep up the good work!

Click here to sign a petition to brand Scientology a cult - thereby taking away their tax exempt status. Unfortunately, if one of the defining characteristics of a religion is that they attack whoever doesn’t share their beliefs, the Scientology cult qualifies.

Yes We Can

It doesn't take a good writer to recognize great writing. This speech blows me away.



I want to thank Jack Cluth over at The People's Republic of Seabrook for posting this to my attention. Good catch Jack!

Better Parenting thru Child Abuse

Inspired by my life-long friend Mark Caddell, when my son Alec turned 13, I took him aside and had one of those father-son quality moments where we bonded. I told him about a very special movie that I wanted him to watch.

"What is it," he asked? He looked up at me expectantly, listening to my every word with great reverence.

"It’s a movie that changed my life. It made me a better man. It’s the story of a poor black sharecropper and his rise from poverty to become a millionaire with his own disco and his own disco friends."

"What is it," he asked again?

"It’s a movie called The Jerk starring Steve Martin."

He never forgave me. I warped his fragile little mind. But that’s what dads do. Hopefully, someday, he’ll take his son aside and tell him of the magical movie that changed his life when it was released in 1980. Maybe he’ll tell him the story of how a down-and-out ex-navy pilot, who was shot down during the war, saved an airliner full of passengers when the Captain and co-pilots were incapacitated. He’ll tell his son how the movie Airplane touched him deeply and taught him how to love again.

And the circle of violence continues.

Back then his taste in music was sickening.

My boy was about as sharp as a pound of wet leather. I tried to give him lessons from a music master. "The thing about music," I pronounced loudly and with an overly Texas drawl, "I say, I say, the thing about music is, you can tell a lot from a person by his choice in music. So, this is important.

For instance, the first time I heard a mariachi band I thought, what the fuck happened to Mexicans that would make them do this?" Then I told him how my aunt, who lived in San Miguel for a few years, had a mariachi band play outside her window at daybreak until she paid them $5 a month. I had always suspected those bands were an extortion plot.

Indian (the quick-e-mart kind, not the casino kind) music is like their food post vomit. Then I told him not to do drugs; implying that everyone from India had to be on drugs when they wrote that crap. "You know, the Beatles were fine young boys before the Maharishi filled them full of LSD in the 60's."

"Dad, does America have Indian music?"

"It’s called free-form jazz. Don’t let shithead listen to it. It’s causes seizures in dogs." I told him polka was the oversized retarded German love child of music and if it had an inbred American cousin, that would be Dixieland.

"What’s Dixieland?"

"Okay. I’ll only explain this once. Dixieland is forcing happiness and sunshine up your ass with jackhammer made out of butterfly wishes and Ethel Merman’s early career as a scream singer. And if I ever catch you listening to that crap, you are grounded for life! No driving privileges, no cell phone; you’ll sit in your room alone and stare out the window for months if I catch you with that devil music! Mark my words. I’ll hire a de-programming if that’s what it takes."

"What’s bluegrass?"

"Bluegrass?!? What do you know about bluegrass?"

"Nothing. Honest. I heard a few kids talking about it in school."

"Well, you stay away from it, you hear me boy?!? Bluegrass is how white trash mountain folk serenade their livestock before they fuck ‘em. It’s mostly about sheep and what pretty eyes they have."

My job here is done.

Getting stoned with a 13 year old crack whore

Two stories caught my attention yesterday.

First was the story of Bill Allen. A good Republican. A loyal Republican. Don’t get him confused with Bob Allen. Bob Allen was the Republican State Rep and Florida co-Chairman of McCain for President that was arrested for offering an undercover male cop $20 to blow him in the restroom they were standing in.

And don’t confuse Bill Allen with Claude Allen. Claude was the Allen that was Bush's domestic policy adviser that pled guilty to theft in making phony returns at discount department stores while working at the White House. He got two years probation and fined $500.

Bill Allen was the Republican CEO of Veco. He’s the Allen that is currently under investigation for showing an amazing aptitude for bribing U.S. Senators. Specifically, Ted Stevens out of Alaska.

Bambi Tyree

The first time I heard the name, "Bambi Tyree" here’s what I thought:

"Hi. I’m here for the career testing and see a guidance counselor. "
"I’m the one you’re looking for. What’s your name?"
"Bambi Tyree."
"Bambi, you should be a crack whore."
"But what about the test?"
"No need. Your name is Bambi Tyree. ‘Nuff said. You’re a crack whore. Here’s some crack to get you started."

It turns out Republican Bob Allen got his bribe-training by paying for sex with a 13 year old crack whore, Bambi Tyree. My schadenfrueden guru just had an orgasm.

Bob Allen, possibly the long lost brother of George Hunter White, played the perfect Republican. His public face told the story of a man who believed deeply in the teachings of Jesus Christ. God Bless America. Behind the scenes he was handing out bribes and violating thirteen year old crack whores.

I really wish I had the absence of conscience so I could live like that. That sounds fun. I guess you don’t have to believe in Jesus Christ to do the right thing.

Other stories are like rubbing the cat, tail to head.

Iranian sisters face stoning for adultery

How old-school is stoning?

After thinking about it I realized that stoning was, in fact, the oldest school. The entire process leaves me extremely curious. How many stones? Is there a limit to the size of the stones? How do they choose the executioners? Have they ever stoned a man for adultery? And how many executioners are there? How close are the executioners allowed to the victim? If you’re in a stadium full of executioners with rocks, aren’t you afraid everyone could end up throwing stones at everyone else? It would be like the ending to most three-stooges movies but instead of pies, its rocks. Although, it would probably be funnier.

It’s about revenge.

No doubt significant portions of the Iranian populace agree with murdering women as revenge for adultery. Here in America we do revenge right. Here the populace supports incarcerating 80% of our 2 million men in prison as revenge for being addicted to drugs. Instead of treating it as a medical condition we force these people to live with murderers and psychopaths. That’ll teach ‘em to get addicted.

I’m sure Dick Cheney’s answer to Iranian misogyny is to bomb Iran forward into the stone age. But somehow, I don’t think killing millions of Iranians will teach them to love women. I doubt they’ll make the connection. If we want to get them to start treating women better, I think we need to get into a rock fight. They’ll understand that. It would probably be funnier.

None of it makes much sense to me.

42 hours of Zen

Ever since I went time traveling, I’ve been thinking about time.

We don’t really have much time. Take out sleep - one-third of you life from an average 72 year life span. . . that leaves 48 years of being conscious. Subtract all the time you’ve spent in real pain. Take out all the time you’ve spent at the DMV, the bank, that jobs you hate (it’s okay to say all of them), crying, dealing with the insurance company after a wreck, cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry, taking out the garbage, fixing your car, then taking your car into be fixed by a professional, etc. .etc. .etc. . .

If we also subtract the time we spend having sex and pursuing sex, that leaves us with 42 hours. 42 hours living the way we really desire. For the sake of argument, assume that 42 hours is an accurate number. If you are able, ‘wasting time’ takes on a whole new gravity.

Making Decisions

I was forced into writing "etc. . etc. . etc. . ." When I sat down I had planned to list all the things that none of us like doing and subtracting that time from a normal life span, but I quickly realized my list could take weeks to complete. Weeks I don’t have. I had to make a decision.

We make decisions about our time, all the time, and we don’t even notice it. How much time do you spend trying to figure out the quickest way to drive to a destination? How much time do you spend measuring your monetary or emotional return from a course of action? Time is the measuring guideline we all use for almost every decision we make. Even though we rarely say it out loud, the question is always, "Is this worth my time?"

Once, while working under a deadline, I lost two days of data entry when my computer died. I was in agony. I lusted for revenge. I wanted recompense for my lost time. I wanted justice. I finally decided my best option was forcing everyone I knew to suffer through my bad mood. That’ll teach life to screw me over.

Hate is never worth your time.

Hate never works, it never pays off, it never does anything for anyone. It just wastes time.

The time I’ve spent angry is still my greatest regret. If I had to add up all the time I spent stomping around my house, angry about the way I was treated, re-playing events in my head, cursing the evil-doers that led to my outrage, I’d slit my wrists. But I don’t want to wait that long to die.

Revenge is even worse. Revenge actually allows us to justify wasting time on wasted time. It tells us it’s okay to waste more of your time if you can force your enemy to waste his. When does that logic work? You never gain from revenge. You can only spend more of your precious time wasting someone else’s. That’s why the best revenge is living well. And that’s also why you’d be better off in a rock fight.

How much time do we really have?

The truth is we have much less than 42 hours. We only have now. This very instant. Damn. You missed it. You were reading this stupid blog and you missed now. There it goes again.

Allow me to apologize by teaching you to fish for time. Here’s how to get more time.

Live in the now.
Next time you pop bubble wrap, relax and take your time. Slowly press the bubble to it’s popping point. Keep it there. Anticipate the pop. Breath in, and then, as you slowly release your breath, press harder and take in the entire pop. Listen to the entire pop. It’s fast, you have to listen. Do it again. Try listening a second time. Don’t forget to breath. Listen carefully. Take in the moment.

Now do that for everything you enjoy. Life is a ride.

Why 42? Forty-two is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. - Douglas Adams.