Dick Cheney in Fishnets and a Miniskirt

There comes a time in every great country when differences are set aside. When we all come together and realize as one nation what matters to us most.
Did Roger Clemens take steroids and growth hormone? I don’t know, but I think it’s important enough for our Congress to drop everything and hold hearings on this vital issue of national security in a time of war. It only seems proper to keep steering toward the iceberg. It’ll get out of the way.

After all, professional baseball isn’t just analogous to America, it’s one of the few sports that exists solely because of grain alcohol and binocular flasks. If America’s pastime was found to be somehow tainted from the illegal steroids use, I would be throughly shocked into nuanced schadenfrueden. If I couldn’t believe in baseball, I’m not sure I could believe in America. And if I can’t believe in America, I can’t believe in a 50ft Michael Jackson with lasers that come out of his eyes. Anarchy is not far behind.

With no other recourse I turned to baby infant Jesus for some help. I said, “Baby infant Jesus, what if . . ?” And I hesitated, not sure of how he’d respond. “What if Clemens was taking steroids? How can I go on?”

And Jesus came unto me and said, “Tommy, wake up!” He scared me good. I farted and he made fun of the smell. I don’t want to tell the rest of the story. He was mean.

So now I keep Jesus out of it and pray directly to God. I pray, “Dear God. Save us from your followers. Protect professional baseball. And please, give this Congress a dirty Sanchez. Amen.”

I always offer up something funny for God in my prayers. I figure most prayers go unanswered just because she’s tired of hearing about misery and pain. Last month I prayed that Dick Cheney would get a DUI while dressed as a woman. Less than a week later Judge “Robert Somma, 63, was arrested on Feb. 6 after his Mercedes-Benz hit a pickup truck on a Massachusetts road. When authorities removed him from the vehicle, they said he wore a black women's cocktail dress, fishnet stockings and high heels.” My prayer missed its mark. God must of thought it was funny enough to hit someone with it. Sorry Robert. Why do you suppose God keeps making Republicans the butt of her jokes? I would of thought she was finished messing with Republicans when earlier last year prominent Alabama minister Gary Aldridge was found hogtied wearing a rubber suit with a dildo up his own ass after he died from autoerotic asphyxiation.

I still think it would of been funnier if Dick Cheney was found in fishnets and a miniskirt. I’ve always imagined that he’s led an incredible secret double life. Word on the internet is . . .

. . . once every full moon Dick Cheney dresses up as Betty Page and does a special dance for his old lodge buddies. By 2:00 a.m. the peyote and vicodin take effect and the party grows into Roman man-orgy which doesn’t reach a climax until Cheney is forced to drink human blood thru a severed goat penis. But after that’s it’s straight back to work. Hard worker the Vice President.

At least that’s what it says on the internet. And we all know, if it’s on the internet, it must be true.

I keep wondering if Congress should delve into the underbelly of professional curling. Word on the net says those broom unions are a rats nest of deceit and villainy. After that Congress can have hearings on that fifth dentist that won’t endorse sugarless gum for those that chew gum. I’m pretty sure it’s Ron Paul. After that, maybe, we can get around to finding out where billions of dollars went missing in Iraq, but sometime this year I want a full investigation into Janeane Garofalo. She’s the Lillie Langtry to my Judge Roy Bean.