My first try at writing a political speech

I currently count myself as just another out-of-work writer, but I think I’ve got a handle now on how to write political speeches. Uber-expensive polls rate important words that must be then implemented into political speeches. Not ideas or rhetoric, just the words. Without ever knowing exactly what these current money words are I can guess that one of them is, ‘change.’ (Not a hard guess.)

For Rudy Giuliani I can assume one of his power words is ‘nine-eleven.’ So, I thought I’d write a speech for Rudy. He needs the help. Most of the N.Y. fire fighters and N.Y. police hate his guts. So, here’s my attempt at political speech writing.. . .

Mr. Giuliani:

Good evening. Since the dark days of nine-eleven I’ve thought about little else but change. Change in the only way change can occur post nine-eleven. Change brought to you by nine-eleven. Change for change sake. And lets not forget, nine-eleven not only changed the way we do business; it has changed the very way we change change.

As I was thinking about change in those dark days of nine-twelve and nine-thirteen, I couldn’t help but think of the change needed because of nine-eleven. So I started calling "nine-twelve," - "nine-eleven and change." "Nine-thirteen" was "nine-eleven and more change." By the time I got to nine-fourteen, it was "change plus nine-eleven," which didn’t end there. Remember, change never ends, until you reach nine dollars and eleven cents. Only then is it nine-eleven without change.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Nine-eleven.

____________

I don’t want to give away too much. You’ll have to hear the rest at the Republican convention. Suffice to say, the rest of the speech has many more subtle references to 9-11 and change. Professional writers like myself are able to weave these terms, almost unperceptively, into the body of the speech. If you re-read it slowly, you’ll be able to see how I did it. I know, now you want to vote for Giuliani, but wait, there’s more. Send me some money and you can change nine-eleven yourself.

On another note, I got a kick out of this. . .

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/rtrs/20080110/tod-odd-brothel-dc-a929486.html

A polish man went to a brothel in Warsaw and found his wife working there. Don’t you just hate it when you find out your spouse is a whore? For some reason the guy was offended and now he's getting a divorce.

Did he forget that he was going to a whore house? I’m just guessing, but wouldn’t he be able to get some kind of discount to have sex with his own wife? He should be happy. Nine-eleven.