Dick Cheney Jokes and the Search for a New Candidate

Once again I have mixed feelings about this race to the Whitehouse. What about the disenfranchised? We need a dark horse candidate. We need Leslie Alicia Cochran. For those of you who are not from Austin, Leslie is our resident homeless and celebrated transvestite. A few years back he ran for mayor and garnered almost three thousand votes. While Leslie may be a little off kilter he’s well spoken. I’ve spent some time with the man. For an entire summer I gave him a ride downtown from Bee Caves. He’s seems nice enough, although, even though I’ve spent hours with him, every time we meet he has no idea who I am. You know, like every other candidate.

We need a candidate that would add color to a debate stage. I was stoked when Stephen Colbert ran in South Carolina. For the first time in forever a pundit had a chance of controlling a delegate. Knowing Colbert, the Democratic Convention would of never been the same. Once again I have to mention the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. You can check it out at:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-86918391775857487

Our job as citizens is to judge these candidates as people and decide for ourselves if they are worthy of our support. How can anyone judge these people? By their very nature, Presidential Candidates are practiced at not revealing anything personal, deep or real about themselves. I have noticed that one way to gauge their real personality is to watch their reactions when confronted with the silly or the humorous. Can they make a joke? Can they tell a good one?

It’s only thru the inane that candidates are forced to let their guard down. I’ve been saving a question for years. I haven’t had the chance to hit a Republican candidate with it yet. If someone uses this, please e-mail me back and let me know how it played out.

The question: "If Jesus Christ returned to earth tomorrow and ordered you, as your professed savior, to have sex with him, would you?"

You know the candidate would be worth supporting if he gave a detailed description of how he would sexually satisfy our lord. I mean, he has too, doesn’t he? If Jesus is your lord and savior, and he orders you to do something, how can you say no? I’ll tell you how. You can say no if you don’t have enough faith. And you can say no if you hate Jesus.
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Dick Cheney Fun Facts: an addendum to Jon Stewart’s "You don’t know Dick."

The first rule of Dick Cheney; you do not talk about Dick Cheney.

It is impossible to charge Dick Cheney with "obstruction of justice." This is because Cheney cannot be in two places at the same time.

In the intelligence community, death is referred to as the "Dick Cheney Disease."

Whenever Dick Cheney travels to France, they surrender.

Dick Cheney once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Dick Cheney sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Dick Cheney was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Dick Cheney can slam a revolving door.

Dick Cheney doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Dick Cheney can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

In an act of great philanthropy, Dick Cheney made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Dick Cheney brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Dick Cheney's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Dick Cheney doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Dick Cheney can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Dick Cheney once fought a grown male badger out of its den with only his teeth.

Dick Cheney starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, half a pound of pure Colombian cocaine, and twenty ounces of rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe. (This one may just be an urban legend, but to date the Vice President has never denied any of it.)

When Dick Cheney goes to eat Mexican, he orders a whole Mexican but only eats his soul.

Why did Dick Cheney cross the road? No one has ever dared question his motives.

Dick Cheney can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

Dick Cheney’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

Dick Cheney’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Dick Cheney lost his virginity before his dad did.

Dick Cheney doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.

Dick Cheney invented American flag pants.
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My favorite jokes:
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A man walked into his psychiatrist's office with a concerned look.
"Doc, I'm worried. I'm having that dream again."
"Which dream is that?"
"You know," said the man, "the one where I'm into sadism, bestiality, and necrophilia. Should I be worried? Or am I just beating a dead horse?!"
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For some reason this joke sounds funnier if you imagine that Christopher Walken is telling it:
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, I'm really worried about this dot I've developed in the middle of my forehead. It showed up last week and it hasn't gone away."
The doctor looks at his forehead and says, "I've only seen this in my medical books, but I am certain that this is what is happening. Within the next few months, you will sprout a full-sized penis from the middle of your forehead!"

"You mean to tell me that every day when I get out of bed and look in the mirror, I'm going to see a penis growing from my forehead?"

"Oh, goodness no, of course not," said the doctor. "The balls will cover your eyes."
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Now, I think this last one is hysterical. What is wrong with me? Everyone I tell it to just rolls their eyes.
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Three blind mice walked into a pub.
As they couldn't observe their surroundings, it would be unfair to derive humor from this.


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Rudy Giuliani is to 9/11 as ___________ is to 9/11.
Answer: Reno.

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Knock, knock Rudy. Who’s there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said you’d never forget.

My first try at writing a political speech

I currently count myself as just another out-of-work writer, but I think I’ve got a handle now on how to write political speeches. Uber-expensive polls rate important words that must be then implemented into political speeches. Not ideas or rhetoric, just the words. Without ever knowing exactly what these current money words are I can guess that one of them is, ‘change.’ (Not a hard guess.)

For Rudy Giuliani I can assume one of his power words is ‘nine-eleven.’ So, I thought I’d write a speech for Rudy. He needs the help. Most of the N.Y. fire fighters and N.Y. police hate his guts. So, here’s my attempt at political speech writing.. . .

Mr. Giuliani:

Good evening. Since the dark days of nine-eleven I’ve thought about little else but change. Change in the only way change can occur post nine-eleven. Change brought to you by nine-eleven. Change for change sake. And lets not forget, nine-eleven not only changed the way we do business; it has changed the very way we change change.

As I was thinking about change in those dark days of nine-twelve and nine-thirteen, I couldn’t help but think of the change needed because of nine-eleven. So I started calling "nine-twelve," - "nine-eleven and change." "Nine-thirteen" was "nine-eleven and more change." By the time I got to nine-fourteen, it was "change plus nine-eleven," which didn’t end there. Remember, change never ends, until you reach nine dollars and eleven cents. Only then is it nine-eleven without change.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Nine-eleven.

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I don’t want to give away too much. You’ll have to hear the rest at the Republican convention. Suffice to say, the rest of the speech has many more subtle references to 9-11 and change. Professional writers like myself are able to weave these terms, almost unperceptively, into the body of the speech. If you re-read it slowly, you’ll be able to see how I did it. I know, now you want to vote for Giuliani, but wait, there’s more. Send me some money and you can change nine-eleven yourself.

On another note, I got a kick out of this. . .

http://sg.news.yahoo.com/rtrs/20080110/tod-odd-brothel-dc-a929486.html

A polish man went to a brothel in Warsaw and found his wife working there. Don’t you just hate it when you find out your spouse is a whore? For some reason the guy was offended and now he's getting a divorce.

Did he forget that he was going to a whore house? I’m just guessing, but wouldn’t he be able to get some kind of discount to have sex with his own wife? He should be happy. Nine-eleven.