Stephen Colbert brings the lies. . .
Showing posts with label Stephen Colbert. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stephen Colbert. Show all posts
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
American Schadenfreude, The real #1 pastime
Schadenfreude is a German word meaning “pleasure taken from someone else's misfortune.” The America equivalent is the sarcastic, “Aw, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.” )
Obviously, the most delicious schadenfreude is homegrown from the finest in superior ultra-conservative piety and self-righteousness, but not all the best schadenfreude comes from the front page and not all stories are buried deep in the past.
Fifty years ago a judge wearing a dress was a hangin' offense. Today, it's just another new cycle. On Feb. 6th, when 63 year old Judge Robert Somma was arrested for DWI after he hit a pick-up truck. Highway patrol found him wearing a black women's cocktail dress, fishnet stockings and high heels. Lately, things like that are hardly worth noticing, but it’s hard to ignore male on male rape.
On April 3rd, Cumberland Country Commissioner, Bruce Ba
rclay was arrested for the male rape of a prostitute he found on Harrisburg Frat Boys dot com. And then came the revelation that Bruce was innocent. How do we know? Conservative Republican Barclay secretly videotaped all of his sexual encounters with male prostitutes. Hundreds of them. For some reason, gourmet schadenfreude always tastes better with secret videos.
Judge Donald Thompson
While it’s fun to snicker at the forced education of homosexual bathroom foot etiquette authored by Senator Larry Craig, Donald Thompson, the penis pump judge, brings the schadenfreude like no other in recent history. Unknown to most, the real story only begins after he was caught.
It’s important to note that gourmet schadenfreude is served with a side order of stupidity. Thompson knew his clerk had seen him naked beneath his judicial robes on several occasions but the compulsion to enlarge his penis was too great. For weeks, members of the court could hear a ‘wooshing’ sound arising from beneath the judge’s bench. Video tapes of the proceedings recorded the sound. By the time Thompson was arrested, the evidence was overwhelming. Desperate for a viable defense, his Honorable Judge Donald Thompson began reaching for an excuse. If the pump would have been black he would have claimed racism. Channeling Austin Powers, Thompson first claimed the penis pump was a gag gift. He never used it. But most importantly, Thompson swore by all that was holy, that he never once masturbated while on the bench.
Cue CSI music. William Peterson: “Your Honor, we took a look at your robes and underneath your bench; we hit it with a black light and it lit up like someone has been shooting white neon paintballs.
That’s right, when the police turned their ultra-violet light onto the judges robes, semen stains fully illuminated the inside. Same for the judges’ bench. If that wasn’t enough, the prosecution went to the trouble of testing the DNA stains just in case another judge was sneaking into the court and night and masturbating his way around the room. Thompson would of been better off pleading a small penis.
The Allens
On first glance Bill Allen doesn’t make the schadenfreude cut, but
don’t get Bill Allen confused with Bob Allen. In November 2007, Bob was the Allen arrested for offering an undercover male cop $20 for oral sex in a public restroom. We all cried ourselves to sleep when it was revealed that he was a Floridian State Representative and co-Chairman of “McCain for President.”
And don’t confuse Bill Allen with Claude Allen. Claude was the allen given the “highest ranking / petty criminal” award after pleading guilty in 2006 to theft. A criminal mastermind, Claude thought it would be a good idea to make phony returns at discount department stores but instead received a $500 fine and given two years probation. For some reason America wasn’t surprised when it was revealed that Claude Allen was Bush’s domestic policy advisor.
And don’t get Bill Allen mixed up with Sherman Allen. On Feb. 21st, Reverend Sherman Allen of Fort Worth's Shiloh Institutional Church of God in Christ (a Pentecostal sect) was accused of anally raping women and then paddling them. Local papers delighted in using his nick-name, "Reverend Spanky." After the first complainant stepped forward, four foot tall Allen was besieged with accusations from other women how he attempted to vanquish the lesbian demon that dwelt within their vagina - with his penis.
Bill Allen is the famous Republican and CEO of Veco oil who bribed his way around the Alaskan legislature just enough to secure himself a reservation for a 6 X 9 cell. He pleaded guilty in 2007, but his sentencing has been delayed. New allegations have surfaced that brings the schadenfreude like a priest to an altar boy. It seems Allen has been having a decade long affair with a crack whore he met when she was thirteen. A side-order of schadenfreude comes with this meal when her 
parents decided to use the little book of crack whore baby names. Bambi Tyree was the winner.
Talk Show Hosts
Talk show hosts are always good for a snicker. For the self-righteous like Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, schadenfreude is easily achieved. In 2003, when Limbaugh was arrested for ‘doctor shopping’ in an effort obtain more pain medication suddenly Mr. Know-it-all was caught groveling to his maid to help him find a fix. Under court order, Limbaugh must now submit to random drug testing and is prohibited from owning a firearm.
In October of 2004 Bill O'Reilly, right-wing conservative talk show host
on Fox News, was sued for sexual harassment by his producer, Andrea Mackris. On many occasions she was phone sex raped by O’Reilly. Even though Mackris protested, O’Reilly wouldn’t shut up. The schadenfreude train doesn’t pull into the station until the news surfaced that Mackris recorded everything. A quick internet search will easily reveal a verbatim text of O’Reilly’s sexual predilections, including the time he brought himself to orgasm with a vibrator while talking to her. For some unknown reason O’Reilly settled the lawsuit.
Sky Pilots Jabbering into Heaven
The religious always-right have contributed to America’s schadenfreude like no other group.
Jim Bakker’s story of stealing millions from his ministry doesn’t reach schadenfreude status until America heard what many consider to be “the immaculate line.” Trying to seduce his secretary, Jessica Hahn, Bakker said, “If you help the shepherd, you help the flock.” In September of 2004, TBN televangelist Paul Crouch followed Bakker’s tradition of ritual embarrassment by paying Enock Lonnie Ford $425,000 to conceal their homosexual liaisons at the network-owned cabin at Lake Arrowhead.
In 1986 Reverend Jimmy Swaggart worked diligently as his own
worst enemy. After exposing fellow minister Marvin Gorman’s affair with a parishioner, Gorman hired a private investigator to follow Swaggart. After being confronted with the pictures Swaggart refused to come clean, but by 1988 he was forced into admitting his terrible sin and gave his famous tearful speech, “I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God's forgiveness,” which is now used by countless heathens such as myself for the Thanksgiving blessing.
Gary Aldridge
Gary Aldridge is one of the greatest in h
idden schadenfreude stories. In Oct. of 2007, Rev. Gary Aldridge was a well liked pastor of the Thorington Road Baptist Mega-Church in Alabama. Once again, the best schadenfreude doesn’t arrive until after the event. With his wife and kids out of town, Aldridge thought it would be a fun to insert a dildo into his rectum before putting on a rubber suit and accidently hanging himself. When police found him they said every inch of his body was covered with rubber. (Including the condom that covered the dildo.) Autopsy recorded that he was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves, slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask.
“What is autoerotic asphyxiation daddy?”
They couldn’t explain his death at Sunday mass. They couldn’t post it on the community bulletin board. They probably came out and said, “Sorry, he’s dead. No reason. He just died.” How could they say anything else? You can’t just serve - dildo, rubber suit and autoerotic asphyxiation - on a delicate congregation and then follow with Amazing Grace. (Although, I would have paid to have seen that.) News must have spread like a Vegas bride. My schadenfreude guru woke up thinking about the myriad of right-wing Alabama grandmothers that were given an advance study course in fetish and fetish safety. Does grandma have a safety word?
Pray the gay away
It made front page news in November of 2006 when founder of the Association of Life-Giving Churches and leader of the National
Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggard was caught having sex with a male masseuse after purchasing methamphetamines. Wait for it. . . . the schadenfreude didn’t arrive until Haggard decided his atonement was to attend three weeks of intensive anti-homosexual counseling, overseen by four other ministers. By February of 2007, the job was done and minister with two first names, Tim Ralph, pronounced Haggard “completely heterosexual,” and America burped a sarcastic ‘yeah, sure.’ It doesn’t take a genius to imagine that those four ministers were also repressed homosexuals hell bent on subduing their own pants demons. Word on the internet is several gay oriented adult video companies are creating their historical documentaries of Haggard’s treatment.
Governor Mike Spitzer - lightweight.
Spitzer doesn’t make the cut. While it’s true that Spitzer is the worst kind of hypocrite by vigorously prosecuting cases of prostitution when he was attorney general, the story of a politician caught with a call girl is hardly unique. $80,000 for prostitutes? That doesn’t even make it into the record books. A discriminating shadenfreudist must only look back to 2004 when conservative activist and benefactor to many Christian groups in Montana,
Richard A. Dasen Sr., was arrested after paying a 15 year old girl for sex. Once again, that’s where the story begins.
Upon careful auditing of Dasen’s expenditures, police estimated that Dasen spent more than 5 million dollars on prostitutes over the last decade. Their conclusions were confirmed when the rate of petty crimes rose sharply in the area. Dasen was singlehandedly supporting the methamphetamine trade for most of the state by mostly employing addicts. If that wasn’t enough, as owner of the Christian Financial Counseling service, Dasen often ‘prayed’ upon the cash strapped young women that arrived looking for help managing and consolidating their debts.
The schadenfreude icing-on-the-cake arrives when asking the question, how did the cops know Dasen spent 5 million dollars on prostitutes? Answer: He always paid with a check. Once again proving the adage, the best schadenfreude arrives with a side order of stupidity.
Mark Foley
It’s a well known joke that Congressmen have a long tradition of abhorring bookmarks because they prefer to bend over the pages. Jokes have a way of sticking around when anchored with a thread of truthiness. There are several internet lists of congressional closeted homosexuals, but you can’t mention gay right wing republicans without mentioning, Mark Foley. In September of 2006 Republican Congressman Mark Foley made front page news when he abruptly resigned from Congress after “sexually explicit” emails surfaced showing him flirting with a 16-year old boy. Foley is only worth mentioning because his text message “flirting,” was nothing of the sort. Take the time on the internet to download his IM messages and you’ll find what may be the very first ever documented case of IM cybersex. (Not an easy thing to do with one hand.)
Dr. W. David Hager
Apparently, how women have sex is a huge concern for Dr. W. David Hager. In 2003, as a Bush appointee to the FDA’s advisory committee to women’s health, Hager did his best to stop over-the-counter sales of the day-after pill. Something like that was against his religion. But exploiting women publically was nothing compared to what he was doing behind closed doors. In 2005 an article in The Nation brought a first hand account of Hager-sex, by his wife, the victim. She claimed he had anally raped her for 8 years, often leaving money in payment for her prostitution services after he was finished. She would receive more for oral sex. The story only gets weirder after that. When asked about the anal sex, Hager said, “I missed.” Dr. Hager is a gynecologist.
Great Moments in American Schadenfreude
At first glance Vice-President Cheney’s hunting ‘accident’ will forever be remembered as the defining moment in American schadenfreude. Not only did the public receive a dose of weirdness not seen since the Aaron Burr - Alexander Hamilton duel, they were suddenly privy to what drunk neo-conservatives do for fun. It wasn’t enough to shoot lobbyists in the face, Cheney’s fetish was to kill birds already bred in captivity and then only allowed to fly, for the first time, when he kicked them loose from the scrub bush where they were placed. Many Americans still remember and revere the moment when John Stewart brought forth an expensive tea set to help the audience enjoy the schadenfreude of the moment. It was difficult not to laugh as his audience was impatiently waiting.
While Cheney’s shot heard round the world is excellent schadenfreude, it only comes in at #3 in America’s best. (but only because there's no video.) The top 2 come fully recorded. Coming in at #2 is President George Bush, Sr.
Most 3-Stooges pie fight scenes are staged in the middle of the most dignified of events for a reason. It’s just funnier. In 1992, when our President, George Bush Sr., leaned over during a diplomatic dinner and vomited all over the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister, that was funny. To be fair, there wasn’t a dignified way for the ultra-conservative Japanese Prime Minister to respond so he just sat there, with a stoic look on his face, as if being vomited upon by the most powerful man in the world was something he hadn’t noticed. I felt terrible for the Prime Minister but I couldn’t stop laughing at him. Aw, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.
Stephen Colbert
Mr. Colbert holds the top spot. On April 29, 2006, Stephen Colbert, during the White House Correspondents dinner, stepped up and did what no other man in the media ever dared to do... . You see, Colbert agrees with President Bush. Colbert isn’t one to give into facts or statistics. Books are all facts, no heart. Colbert thinks with his gut. Just like the President. And it’s a well known fact that “truth has a liberal bias.”
It’s almost excruciating to watch. If you haven’t already, you can watch the entire thing on Google video. George W. Bush, who has been extremely careful through his presidency to avoid any direct con
tact with detractors or protestors of any kind, as forced to sit for 24 minutes and listen, with a strained fake smile, as Colbert’s rapier like wit cut at Bush again, and again, and again. During the more savage moments, the audience would groan in sympathy as the President was located a seat away from the Colbert.
The delay schadenfreude didn’t arrive until a year later when the President’s handler, fearful of another ‘incident,’ booked aging comedian Rich Little to host the event. Rich Little? No, he’s still alive.
Obviously, the most delicious schadenfreude is homegrown from the finest in superior ultra-conservative piety and self-righteousness, but not all the best schadenfreude comes from the front page and not all stories are buried deep in the past.
Fifty years ago a judge wearing a dress was a hangin' offense. Today, it's just another new cycle. On Feb. 6th, when 63 year old Judge Robert Somma was arrested for DWI after he hit a pick-up truck. Highway patrol found him wearing a black women's cocktail dress, fishnet stockings and high heels. Lately, things like that are hardly worth noticing, but it’s hard to ignore male on male rape.
On April 3rd, Cumberland Country Commissioner, Bruce Ba
rclay was arrested for the male rape of a prostitute he found on Harrisburg Frat Boys dot com. And then came the revelation that Bruce was innocent. How do we know? Conservative Republican Barclay secretly videotaped all of his sexual encounters with male prostitutes. Hundreds of them. For some reason, gourmet schadenfreude always tastes better with secret videos.Judge Donald Thompson
While it’s fun to snicker at the forced education of homosexual bathroom foot etiquette authored by Senator Larry Craig, Donald Thompson, the penis pump judge, brings the schadenfreude like no other in recent history. Unknown to most, the real story only begins after he was caught.
It’s important to note that gourmet schadenfreude is served with a side order of stupidity. Thompson knew his clerk had seen him naked beneath his judicial robes on several occasions but the compulsion to enlarge his penis was too great. For weeks, members of the court could hear a ‘wooshing’ sound arising from beneath the judge’s bench. Video tapes of the proceedings recorded the sound. By the time Thompson was arrested, the evidence was overwhelming. Desperate for a viable defense, his Honorable Judge Donald Thompson began reaching for an excuse. If the pump would have been black he would have claimed racism. Channeling Austin Powers, Thompson first claimed the penis pump was a gag gift. He never used it. But most importantly, Thompson swore by all that was holy, that he never once masturbated while on the bench.
Cue CSI music. William Peterson: “Your Honor, we took a look at your robes and underneath your bench; we hit it with a black light and it lit up like someone has been shooting white neon paintballs.
That’s right, when the police turned their ultra-violet light onto the judges robes, semen stains fully illuminated the inside. Same for the judges’ bench. If that wasn’t enough, the prosecution went to the trouble of testing the DNA stains just in case another judge was sneaking into the court and night and masturbating his way around the room. Thompson would of been better off pleading a small penis.
The Allens
On first glance Bill Allen doesn’t make the schadenfreude cut, but
don’t get Bill Allen confused with Bob Allen. In November 2007, Bob was the Allen arrested for offering an undercover male cop $20 for oral sex in a public restroom. We all cried ourselves to sleep when it was revealed that he was a Floridian State Representative and co-Chairman of “McCain for President.”
And don’t confuse Bill Allen with Claude Allen. Claude was the allen given the “highest ranking / petty criminal” award after pleading guilty in 2006 to theft. A criminal mastermind, Claude thought it would be a good idea to make phony returns at discount department stores but instead received a $500 fine and given two years probation. For some reason America wasn’t surprised when it was revealed that Claude Allen was Bush’s domestic policy advisor.
And don’t get Bill Allen mixed up with Sherman Allen. On Feb. 21st, Reverend Sherman Allen of Fort Worth's Shiloh Institutional Church of God in Christ (a Pentecostal sect) was accused of anally raping women and then paddling them. Local papers delighted in using his nick-name, "Reverend Spanky." After the first complainant stepped forward, four foot tall Allen was besieged with accusations from other women how he attempted to vanquish the lesbian demon that dwelt within their vagina - with his penis.
Bill Allen is the famous Republican and CEO of Veco oil who bribed his way around the Alaskan legislature just enough to secure himself a reservation for a 6 X 9 cell. He pleaded guilty in 2007, but his sentencing has been delayed. New allegations have surfaced that brings the schadenfreude like a priest to an altar boy. It seems Allen has been having a decade long affair with a crack whore he met when she was thirteen. A side-order of schadenfreude comes with this meal when her 
parents decided to use the little book of crack whore baby names. Bambi Tyree was the winner.Talk Show Hosts
Talk show hosts are always good for a snicker. For the self-righteous like Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, schadenfreude is easily achieved. In 2003, when Limbaugh was arrested for ‘doctor shopping’ in an effort obtain more pain medication suddenly Mr. Know-it-all was caught groveling to his maid to help him find a fix. Under court order, Limbaugh must now submit to random drug testing and is prohibited from owning a firearm.In October of 2004 Bill O'Reilly, right-wing conservative talk show host
on Fox News, was sued for sexual harassment by his producer, Andrea Mackris. On many occasions she was phone sex raped by O’Reilly. Even though Mackris protested, O’Reilly wouldn’t shut up. The schadenfreude train doesn’t pull into the station until the news surfaced that Mackris recorded everything. A quick internet search will easily reveal a verbatim text of O’Reilly’s sexual predilections, including the time he brought himself to orgasm with a vibrator while talking to her. For some unknown reason O’Reilly settled the lawsuit.Sky Pilots Jabbering into Heaven
The religious always-right have contributed to America’s schadenfreude like no other group.
Jim Bakker’s story of stealing millions from his ministry doesn’t reach schadenfreude status until America heard what many consider to be “the immaculate line.” Trying to seduce his secretary, Jessica Hahn, Bakker said, “If you help the shepherd, you help the flock.” In September of 2004, TBN televangelist Paul Crouch followed Bakker’s tradition of ritual embarrassment by paying Enock Lonnie Ford $425,000 to conceal their homosexual liaisons at the network-owned cabin at Lake Arrowhead.In 1986 Reverend Jimmy Swaggart worked diligently as his own
worst enemy. After exposing fellow minister Marvin Gorman’s affair with a parishioner, Gorman hired a private investigator to follow Swaggart. After being confronted with the pictures Swaggart refused to come clean, but by 1988 he was forced into admitting his terrible sin and gave his famous tearful speech, “I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God's forgiveness,” which is now used by countless heathens such as myself for the Thanksgiving blessing.Gary Aldridge
Gary Aldridge is one of the greatest in h
idden schadenfreude stories. In Oct. of 2007, Rev. Gary Aldridge was a well liked pastor of the Thorington Road Baptist Mega-Church in Alabama. Once again, the best schadenfreude doesn’t arrive until after the event. With his wife and kids out of town, Aldridge thought it would be a fun to insert a dildo into his rectum before putting on a rubber suit and accidently hanging himself. When police found him they said every inch of his body was covered with rubber. (Including the condom that covered the dildo.) Autopsy recorded that he was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves, slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask.“What is autoerotic asphyxiation daddy?”
They couldn’t explain his death at Sunday mass. They couldn’t post it on the community bulletin board. They probably came out and said, “Sorry, he’s dead. No reason. He just died.” How could they say anything else? You can’t just serve - dildo, rubber suit and autoerotic asphyxiation - on a delicate congregation and then follow with Amazing Grace. (Although, I would have paid to have seen that.) News must have spread like a Vegas bride. My schadenfreude guru woke up thinking about the myriad of right-wing Alabama grandmothers that were given an advance study course in fetish and fetish safety. Does grandma have a safety word?
Pray the gay away
It made front page news in November of 2006 when founder of the Association of Life-Giving Churches and leader of the National
Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggard was caught having sex with a male masseuse after purchasing methamphetamines. Wait for it. . . . the schadenfreude didn’t arrive until Haggard decided his atonement was to attend three weeks of intensive anti-homosexual counseling, overseen by four other ministers. By February of 2007, the job was done and minister with two first names, Tim Ralph, pronounced Haggard “completely heterosexual,” and America burped a sarcastic ‘yeah, sure.’ It doesn’t take a genius to imagine that those four ministers were also repressed homosexuals hell bent on subduing their own pants demons. Word on the internet is several gay oriented adult video companies are creating their historical documentaries of Haggard’s treatment.Governor Mike Spitzer - lightweight.
Spitzer doesn’t make the cut. While it’s true that Spitzer is the worst kind of hypocrite by vigorously prosecuting cases of prostitution when he was attorney general, the story of a politician caught with a call girl is hardly unique. $80,000 for prostitutes? That doesn’t even make it into the record books. A discriminating shadenfreudist must only look back to 2004 when conservative activist and benefactor to many Christian groups in Montana,
Richard A. Dasen Sr., was arrested after paying a 15 year old girl for sex. Once again, that’s where the story begins.Upon careful auditing of Dasen’s expenditures, police estimated that Dasen spent more than 5 million dollars on prostitutes over the last decade. Their conclusions were confirmed when the rate of petty crimes rose sharply in the area. Dasen was singlehandedly supporting the methamphetamine trade for most of the state by mostly employing addicts. If that wasn’t enough, as owner of the Christian Financial Counseling service, Dasen often ‘prayed’ upon the cash strapped young women that arrived looking for help managing and consolidating their debts.
The schadenfreude icing-on-the-cake arrives when asking the question, how did the cops know Dasen spent 5 million dollars on prostitutes? Answer: He always paid with a check. Once again proving the adage, the best schadenfreude arrives with a side order of stupidity.
Mark Foley
It’s a well known joke that Congressmen have a long tradition of abhorring bookmarks because they prefer to bend over the pages. Jokes have a way of sticking around when anchored with a thread of truthiness. There are several internet lists of congressional closeted homosexuals, but you can’t mention gay right wing republicans without mentioning, Mark Foley. In September of 2006 Republican Congressman Mark Foley made front page news when he abruptly resigned from Congress after “sexually explicit” emails surfaced showing him flirting with a 16-year old boy. Foley is only worth mentioning because his text message “flirting,” was nothing of the sort. Take the time on the internet to download his IM messages and you’ll find what may be the very first ever documented case of IM cybersex. (Not an easy thing to do with one hand.)
Dr. W. David Hager
Apparently, how women have sex is a huge concern for Dr. W. David Hager. In 2003, as a Bush appointee to the FDA’s advisory committee to women’s health, Hager did his best to stop over-the-counter sales of the day-after pill. Something like that was against his religion. But exploiting women publically was nothing compared to what he was doing behind closed doors. In 2005 an article in The Nation brought a first hand account of Hager-sex, by his wife, the victim. She claimed he had anally raped her for 8 years, often leaving money in payment for her prostitution services after he was finished. She would receive more for oral sex. The story only gets weirder after that. When asked about the anal sex, Hager said, “I missed.” Dr. Hager is a gynecologist.
Great Moments in American Schadenfreude
At first glance Vice-President Cheney’s hunting ‘accident’ will forever be remembered as the defining moment in American schadenfreude. Not only did the public receive a dose of weirdness not seen since the Aaron Burr - Alexander Hamilton duel, they were suddenly privy to what drunk neo-conservatives do for fun. It wasn’t enough to shoot lobbyists in the face, Cheney’s fetish was to kill birds already bred in captivity and then only allowed to fly, for the first time, when he kicked them loose from the scrub bush where they were placed. Many Americans still remember and revere the moment when John Stewart brought forth an expensive tea set to help the audience enjoy the schadenfreude of the moment. It was difficult not to laugh as his audience was impatiently waiting.
While Cheney’s shot heard round the world is excellent schadenfreude, it only comes in at #3 in America’s best. (but only because there's no video.) The top 2 come fully recorded. Coming in at #2 is President George Bush, Sr.
Most 3-Stooges pie fight scenes are staged in the middle of the most dignified of events for a reason. It’s just funnier. In 1992, when our President, George Bush Sr., leaned over during a diplomatic dinner and vomited all over the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister, that was funny. To be fair, there wasn’t a dignified way for the ultra-conservative Japanese Prime Minister to respond so he just sat there, with a stoic look on his face, as if being vomited upon by the most powerful man in the world was something he hadn’t noticed. I felt terrible for the Prime Minister but I couldn’t stop laughing at him. Aw, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.
Stephen Colbert
Do a search on http://video.google.com/
Mr. Colbert holds the top spot. On April 29, 2006, Stephen Colbert, during the White House Correspondents dinner, stepped up and did what no other man in the media ever dared to do... . You see, Colbert agrees with President Bush. Colbert isn’t one to give into facts or statistics. Books are all facts, no heart. Colbert thinks with his gut. Just like the President. And it’s a well known fact that “truth has a liberal bias.”
It’s almost excruciating to watch. If you haven’t already, you can watch the entire thing on Google video. George W. Bush, who has been extremely careful through his presidency to avoid any direct con
tact with detractors or protestors of any kind, as forced to sit for 24 minutes and listen, with a strained fake smile, as Colbert’s rapier like wit cut at Bush again, and again, and again. During the more savage moments, the audience would groan in sympathy as the President was located a seat away from the Colbert.The delay schadenfreude didn’t arrive until a year later when the President’s handler, fearful of another ‘incident,’ booked aging comedian Rich Little to host the event. Rich Little? No, he’s still alive.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Dick Cheney Jokes and the Search for a New Candidate
Once again I have mixed feelings about this race to the Whitehouse. What about the disenfranchised? We need a dark horse candidate. We need Leslie Alicia Cochran. For those of you who are not from Austin, Leslie is our resident homeless and celebrated transvestite. A few years back he ran for mayor and garnered almost three thousand votes. While Leslie may be a little off kilter he’s well spoken. I’ve spent some time with the man. For an entire summer I gave him a ride downtown from Bee Caves. He’s seems nice enough, although, even though I’ve spent hours with him, every time we meet he has no idea who I am. You know, like every other candidate.
We need a candidate that would add color to a debate stage. I was stoked when Stephen Colbert ran in South Carolina. For the first time in forever a pundit had a chance of controlling a delegate. Knowing Colbert, the Democratic Convention would of never been the same. Once again I have to mention the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. You can check it out at:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-86918391775857487
Our job as citizens is to judge these candidates as people and decide for ourselves if they are worthy of our support. How can anyone judge these people? By their very nature, Presidential Candidates are practiced at not revealing anything personal, deep or real about themselves. I have noticed that one way to gauge their real personality is to watch their reactions when confronted with the silly or the humorous. Can they make a joke? Can they tell a good one?
It’s only thru the inane that candidates are forced to let their guard down. I’ve been saving a question for years. I haven’t had the chance to hit a Republican candidate with it yet. If someone uses this, please e-mail me back and let me know how it played out.
The question: "If Jesus Christ returned to earth tomorrow and ordered you, as your professed savior, to have sex with him, would you?"
You know the candidate would be worth supporting if he gave a detailed description of how he would sexually satisfy our lord. I mean, he has too, doesn’t he? If Jesus is your lord and savior, and he orders you to do something, how can you say no? I’ll tell you how. You can say no if you don’t have enough faith. And you can say no if you hate Jesus.
_________________
Dick Cheney Fun Facts: an addendum to Jon Stewart’s "You don’t know Dick."
The first rule of Dick Cheney; you do not talk about Dick Cheney.
It is impossible to charge Dick Cheney with "obstruction of justice." This is because Cheney cannot be in two places at the same time.
In the intelligence community, death is referred to as the "Dick Cheney Disease."
Whenever Dick Cheney travels to France, they surrender.
Dick Cheney once played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Dick Cheney sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Dick Cheney was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Dick Cheney can slam a revolving door.
Dick Cheney doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
Dick Cheney can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
In an act of great philanthropy, Dick Cheney made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Dick Cheney brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Dick Cheney's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
Dick Cheney doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Dick Cheney can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Dick Cheney once fought a grown male badger out of its den with only his teeth.
Dick Cheney starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, half a pound of pure Colombian cocaine, and twenty ounces of rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe. (This one may just be an urban legend, but to date the Vice President has never denied any of it.)
When Dick Cheney goes to eat Mexican, he orders a whole Mexican but only eats his soul.
Why did Dick Cheney cross the road? No one has ever dared question his motives.
Dick Cheney can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Dick Cheney’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
Dick Cheney’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Dick Cheney lost his virginity before his dad did.
Dick Cheney doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.
Dick Cheney invented American flag pants.
_____________
My favorite jokes:
_____________
A man walked into his psychiatrist's office with a concerned look.
"Doc, I'm worried. I'm having that dream again."
"Which dream is that?"
"You know," said the man, "the one where I'm into sadism, bestiality, and necrophilia. Should I be worried? Or am I just beating a dead horse?!"
___________
For some reason this joke sounds funnier if you imagine that Christopher Walken is telling it:
______________
A man walks into a doctor's office. He says, "Doctor, I'm really worried about this dot I've developed in the middle of my forehead. It showed up last week and it hasn't gone away."
The doctor looks at his forehead and says, "I've only seen this in my medical books, but I am certain that this is what is happening. Within the next few months, you will sprout a full-sized penis from the middle of your forehead!"
"You mean to tell me that every day when I get out of bed and look in the mirror, I'm going to see a penis growing from my forehead?"
"Oh, goodness no, of course not," said the doctor. "The balls will cover your eyes."
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Now, I think this last one is hysterical. What is wrong with me? Everyone I tell it to just rolls their eyes.
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Three blind mice walked into a pub.
As they couldn't observe their surroundings, it would be unfair to derive humor from this.
____________
Rudy Giuliani is to 9/11 as ___________ is to 9/11.
Answer: Reno.
_____________
Knock, knock Rudy. Who’s there?
9/11.
9/11 who?
You said you’d never forget.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Absurdity Rules!!! For the children!!!
One billion dollars for ‘abstinence only’ programs that don’t work.
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/abstinenceonly.htm
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2007/04/13/AR2007041301003.html
Let’s put this concept in perspective.
Top 10 Dumbest things to spend money on
10. ____ Hunting quail that were raised in a pen and released mere seconds before they are shot. See our Vice President for information.
9. _____Premium gasoline
8. _____Body Thetan removal
7. _____Penlargement pills
6. _____Steven Segal movies
5. _____Betting on the Cowboys
4. _____Processing fees to release your Nigerian Lottery money
3. _____A free form jazz dance concert
2. _____Convincing teens not have sex
1. _____ N.A.M.B.L.A.
Add that to the Top 10 dumbest things to tell your children:
10. _____If you clap hard enough, Tinkerbell won’t die.
9. _____Don’t go swimming for an hour after eating
8. ______Easter is about the resurrection of our lord, now paint your colored eggs or the Easter bunny will kill us all.
7. _____Don’t let the cat near the baby!
6. _____You can’t have your pudding if you don’t finish your meat. How can you eat your pudding if you haven't finished your meat?
5. ______Because I said so.
4. ______Sex is bad. If you have sex, there’s a good chance that you will catch AIDS and die.
3. ______Don’t dig your finger in your belly button. In the back is a tiny screw that God put there. If you accidently un-screw it, your butt will fall off.
2. ______Every time you masturbate a puppy in doggy heaven is burned to death.
1. ______If you tell mommy your little brother could die.
It’s all in my book, "Tinkerbell died and now I only eat pudding." (Soon to be a major motion picture starring Vanessa Del Rio). On the top 10 lists they came in at #2 and #4. Add them together and you get 6. As in 6-6-6. The devil’s number. Think about it. Well, the Pat Robertson crowd would understand.
You can’t talk about abstinence only programs without talking about the golden age. The 1950's. Forever in the Republican mythos, blacks were barely citizens; those of the wrong religion were persecuted, as per Jesus’ explicit instructions, and anyone who dissented was immediately labeled as a communist. 
In the 1950's sex before marriage meant eternal damnation. It was easier to persecute the damned. All was perfect in the world. The 1950's became the Republican ideal and they’ve been searching for that promised land ever since. For a billion dollars they’d have a better chance of building a time machine.
On it’s face it seems such a strange concept; ‘Don’t have sex until you’re married.’ It’s as if their goal was to create an unhappy marriage. Holy rollers have traditionally handled this sexual incompatibility with the same deep insight used in handling homosexuality. From the 1950's sex ed propaganda film, You and Your High School Sweetheart: Narrator: "Discovering that you and your mate are sexually incompatible does happen. Luckily, if your mate was a virgin and inexperienced at sex she’ll be more suggestible when you send your wife to your pastor or a clergy member who will make her feel worthless and weak for not satisfying her man. Don’t worry. She’ll come around. It’s what Jesus wants. A happy marriage."
One billion dollars
I can’t get over the sensibility of not spending the money on real social programs. How many families can you house with a billion dollars? How many children can you save through expensive medical treatments? In a world where money is life, it’s a demented decision making process that values sexual propriety over health. When Pres. Bush vetoed SCHIP "for the children" my emotion chip overloaded my neural pathways creating a feedback loop which short circuited my internal Matrix. Before I knew it I found myself in a pod which was draining my energy to power the great machine city. "For the Children." Sigh.
Last night I went to see Austin’s own, Alex Jones. He was showing his new conspiracy theory movie at the Alamo Draft House. It’s called End Game. Jones was there, live and in person, to give a rant, uh, I mean give us a pep talk before the flick. You may not know this but the new world order is coming and we may soon we’ll all be rounded up into concentration camps. The guys in power want the population of the Earth to be around 500 million, so some people have to go. It’s like watching the Evangelical Christians pay money to Israel to help hasten the coming Apocalypse. What makes it sad is that believing in these fantasies is much more comforting than ‘for the children.’ Its like a warm security blanket of madness. As long as it make some kind of sense.
I myself prefer to paint my own delusions. In mine, the great wizard McAngus LaRue has placed a spell on the populace. A spell disbursed through churches. White is black. Up is down. All values of Jesus are reversed because the end times are coming.
I thought of including UFO’s and a pedophile science fiction writer but the Scientologist beat me to it. In my religion Bigfoot and the Dali Lama (big hitter the Lama) have joined forces with the Olson twins to fight the Tri-Lateral commission in a World Wrestling Federation cage match. Our side uses alien science to resurrect Andy Kaufman. For the fate of the world he’ll be wrestling the female clone of Bea Arthur in a no-holds barred, steel cage match. Two men enter. One man, uh, whoever, leaves. In the end it doesn’t matter who wins, just as long as they do it, ‘for the children.’ There. It all makes sense now. A warm enema of truthiness.
Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008!
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