Absurdity Rules!!! For the children!!!

One billion dollars for ‘abstinence only’ programs that don’t work.

http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/abstinenceonly.htm
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2007/04/13/AR2007041301003.html

Let’s put this concept in perspective.

Top 10 Dumbest things to spend money on

10. ____ Hunting quail that were raised in a pen and released mere seconds before they are shot. See our Vice President for information.
9. _____Premium gasoline
8. _____Body Thetan removal
7. _____Penlargement pills
6. _____Steven Segal movies
5. _____Betting on the Cowboys
4. _____Processing fees to release your Nigerian Lottery money
3. _____A free form jazz dance concert
2. _____Convincing teens not have sex
1. _____ N.A.M.B.L.A.

Add that to the Top 10 dumbest things to tell your children:

10. _____If you clap hard enough, Tinkerbell won’t die.
9. _____Don’t go swimming for an hour after eating
8. ______Easter is about the resurrection of our lord, now paint your colored eggs or the Easter bunny will kill us all.
7. _____Don’t let the cat near the baby!
6. _____You can’t have your pudding if you don’t finish your meat. How can you eat your pudding if you haven't finished your meat?
5. ______Because I said so.
4. ______Sex is bad. If you have sex, there’s a good chance that you will catch AIDS and die.
3. ______Don’t dig your finger in your belly button. In the back is a tiny screw that God put there. If you accidently un-screw it, your butt will fall off.
2. ______Every time you masturbate a puppy in doggy heaven is burned to death.
1. ______If you tell mommy your little brother could die.

It’s all in my book, "Tinkerbell died and now I only eat pudding." (Soon to be a major motion picture starring Vanessa Del Rio). On the top 10 lists they came in at #2 and #4. Add them together and you get 6. As in 6-6-6. The devil’s number. Think about it. Well, the Pat Robertson crowd would understand.

You can’t talk about abstinence only programs without talking about the golden age. The 1950's. Forever in the Republican mythos, blacks were barely citizens; those of the wrong religion were persecuted, as per Jesus’ explicit instructions, and anyone who dissented was immediately labeled as a communist. In the 1950's sex before marriage meant eternal damnation. It was easier to persecute the damned. All was perfect in the world. The 1950's became the Republican ideal and they’ve been searching for that promised land ever since. For a billion dollars they’d have a better chance of building a time machine.

On it’s face it seems such a strange concept; ‘Don’t have sex until you’re married.’ It’s as if their goal was to create an unhappy marriage. Holy rollers have traditionally handled this sexual incompatibility with the same deep insight used in handling homosexuality. From the 1950's sex ed propaganda film, You and Your High School Sweetheart: Narrator: "Discovering that you and your mate are sexually incompatible does happen. Luckily, if your mate was a virgin and inexperienced at sex she’ll be more suggestible when you send your wife to your pastor or a clergy member who will make her feel worthless and weak for not satisfying her man. Don’t worry. She’ll come around. It’s what Jesus wants. A happy marriage."

One billion dollars

I can’t get over the sensibility of not spending the money on real social programs. How many families can you house with a billion dollars? How many children can you save through expensive medical treatments? In a world where money is life, it’s a demented decision making process that values sexual propriety over health. When Pres. Bush vetoed SCHIP "for the children" my emotion chip overloaded my neural pathways creating a feedback loop which short circuited my internal Matrix. Before I knew it I found myself in a pod which was draining my energy to power the great machine city. "For the Children." Sigh.

Last night I went to see Austin’s own, Alex Jones. He was showing his new conspiracy theory movie at the Alamo Draft House. It’s called End Game. Jones was there, live and in person, to give a rant, uh, I mean give us a pep talk before the flick. You may not know this but the new world order is coming and we may soon we’ll all be rounded up into concentration camps. The guys in power want the population of the Earth to be around 500 million, so some people have to go. It’s like watching the Evangelical Christians pay money to Israel to help hasten the coming Apocalypse. What makes it sad is that believing in these fantasies is much more comforting than ‘for the children.’ Its like a warm security blanket of madness. As long as it make some kind of sense.

I myself prefer to paint my own delusions. In mine, the great wizard McAngus LaRue has placed a spell on the populace. A spell disbursed through churches. White is black. Up is down. All values of Jesus are reversed because the end times are coming.

I thought of including UFO’s and a pedophile science fiction writer but the Scientologist beat me to it. In my religion Bigfoot and the Dali Lama (big hitter the Lama) have joined forces with the Olson twins to fight the Tri-Lateral commission in a World Wrestling Federation cage match. Our side uses alien science to resurrect Andy Kaufman. For the fate of the world he’ll be wrestling the female clone of Bea Arthur in a no-holds barred, steel cage match. Two men enter. One man, uh, whoever, leaves. In the end it doesn’t matter who wins, just as long as they do it, ‘for the children.’ There. It all makes sense now. A warm enema of truthiness.

Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008! Colbert 2008!

What’s in the Republican’s Closet?

"I am not gay," Sen Craig said after he took the penis out of his mouth.

Now, I’m not saying all Republicans are closeted homosexuals. I’m not one to define the Republican party as homophobes full of self-loathing. They’ve done that themselves. But the psychology of their politics is clear enough.

During my infrequent request to say grace, I usually respond ( by "making that prayer my bitch") by praying: "Please God, save us from your followers."

Remember when the first reports of priest’s abusing little boys came out? The first reports lent everyone to say that those Priests were the few; that if you looked at the percentage of pedophiles in the population, you would see that same percentage in the priesthood. Then, more stories came out. And then more. Finally, people began wondering if all priests were pedophiles. And while that may not be the case, how many parents would want a priest take care of their 8 year old boy while they went out of town for the weekend?

Same story, different setting:

Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Florida Rep. Bob Allen and now Larry Craig are the poster children for the coming revolution in Christianity. A revolution based on closeted homosexuals everywhere. But how many are still out there?, lurking in bathroom stalls, cruising those out of the way gay clubs? The answer: All of them.

Before I start this, I want to say formally, there is nothing wrong with homosexuality. God does not care if you have sex with someone of the same sex. She just doesn’t care. I truly believe this, and I also believe that everyone who doesn’t believe this is wasting their time. Because before homosexuality became the big taboo there were other dumb rules about sex. How many practice only the missionary position? Until recently, oral sex use to be illegal in Texas. . . .etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Which begs the question, why would anyone take the time to propagate sexual taboo’s? Why the agenda? How fucked up is your sex life where you have to take the time to fuck up other people’s sex life?

In the movie "Tombstone", Doc Holiday says, "My hypocrisy only goes so far." A perfect line, especially considering his character. What makes it poignant is how hypocrisy for the Republicans knows no bounds.

To quote Ms. North Carolina:

"I personally believe that us as Americans are unable to do so because some of the people out there in this nation don’t have that."

I couldn’t of put it better myself. Well, okay, I’ll try:

I personally believe that all Republican’s are closeted homosexuals full of self-loathing and regret. I personally believe that given the chance, most Republicans men would have sex with another man in a public restroom if they could be assured that they their anonymous partner had taken Jesus Christ into their heart, and bathed their hands in the blood of the land, or if they had a penis. I personally believe that Jesus was gay with all his disciples, because that’s how they rolled back then. I personally believe that Jesus would have gay sex with other men in a public toilet, and that’s why so many other Republicans are doing the same. They are just answering the question, ‘what would Jesus do?’ - you know, in a public restroom with another closeted homosexual.