Obviously, the most delicious schadenfreude is homegrown from the finest in superior ultra-conservative piety and self-righteousness, but not all the best schadenfreude comes from the front page and not all stories are buried deep in the past.
Fifty years ago a judge wearing a dress was a hangin' offense. Today, it's just another new cycle. On Feb. 6th, when 63 year old Judge Robert Somma was arrested for DWI after he hit a pick-up truck. Highway patrol found him wearing a black women's cocktail dress, fishnet stockings and high heels. Lately, things like that are hardly worth noticing, but it’s hard to ignore male on male rape.
On April 3rd, Cumberland Country Commissioner, Bruce Ba
rclay was arrested for the male rape of a prostitute he found on Harrisburg Frat Boys dot com. And then came the revelation that Bruce was innocent. How do we know? Conservative Republican Barclay secretly videotaped all of his sexual encounters with male prostitutes. Hundreds of them. For some reason, gourmet schadenfreude always tastes better with secret videos.Judge Donald Thompson
While it’s fun to snicker at the forced education of homosexual bathroom foot etiquette authored by Senator Larry Craig, Donald Thompson, the penis pump judge, brings the schadenfreude like no other in recent history. Unknown to most, the real story only begins after he was caught.
It’s important to note that gourmet schadenfreude is served with a side order of stupidity. Thompson knew his clerk had seen him naked beneath his judicial robes on several occasions but the compulsion to enlarge his penis was too great. For weeks, members of the court could hear a ‘wooshing’ sound arising from beneath the judge’s bench. Video tapes of the proceedings recorded the sound. By the time Thompson was arrested, the evidence was overwhelming. Desperate for a viable defense, his Honorable Judge Donald Thompson began reaching for an excuse. If the pump would have been black he would have claimed racism. Channeling Austin Powers, Thompson first claimed the penis pump was a gag gift. He never used it. But most importantly, Thompson swore by all that was holy, that he never once masturbated while on the bench.
Cue CSI music. William Peterson: “Your Honor, we took a look at your robes and underneath your bench; we hit it with a black light and it lit up like someone has been shooting white neon paintballs.
That’s right, when the police turned their ultra-violet light onto the judges robes, semen stains fully illuminated the inside. Same for the judges’ bench. If that wasn’t enough, the prosecution went to the trouble of testing the DNA stains just in case another judge was sneaking into the court and night and masturbating his way around the room. Thompson would of been better off pleading a small penis.
The Allens
On first glance Bill Allen doesn’t make the schadenfreude cut, but
don’t get Bill Allen confused with Bob Allen. In November 2007, Bob was the Allen arrested for offering an undercover male cop $20 for oral sex in a public restroom. We all cried ourselves to sleep when it was revealed that he was a Floridian State Representative and co-Chairman of “McCain for President.”
And don’t confuse Bill Allen with Claude Allen. Claude was the allen given the “highest ranking / petty criminal” award after pleading guilty in 2006 to theft. A criminal mastermind, Claude thought it would be a good idea to make phony returns at discount department stores but instead received a $500 fine and given two years probation. For some reason America wasn’t surprised when it was revealed that Claude Allen was Bush’s domestic policy advisor.
And don’t get Bill Allen mixed up with Sherman Allen. On Feb. 21st, Reverend Sherman Allen of Fort Worth's Shiloh Institutional Church of God in Christ (a Pentecostal sect) was accused of anally raping women and then paddling them. Local papers delighted in using his nick-name, "Reverend Spanky." After the first complainant stepped forward, four foot tall Allen was besieged with accusations from other women how he attempted to vanquish the lesbian demon that dwelt within their vagina - with his penis.
Bill Allen is the famous Republican and CEO of Veco oil who bribed his way around the Alaskan legislature just enough to secure himself a reservation for a 6 X 9 cell. He pleaded guilty in 2007, but his sentencing has been delayed. New allegations have surfaced that brings the schadenfreude like a priest to an altar boy. It seems Allen has been having a decade long affair with a crack whore he met when she was thirteen. A side-order of schadenfreude comes with this meal when her 
parents decided to use the little book of crack whore baby names. Bambi Tyree was the winner.Talk Show Hosts
Talk show hosts are always good for a snicker. For the self-righteous like Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh, schadenfreude is easily achieved. In 2003, when Limbaugh was arrested for ‘doctor shopping’ in an effort obtain more pain medication suddenly Mr. Know-it-all was caught groveling to his maid to help him find a fix. Under court order, Limbaugh must now submit to random drug testing and is prohibited from owning a firearm.In October of 2004 Bill O'Reilly, right-wing conservative talk show host
on Fox News, was sued for sexual harassment by his producer, Andrea Mackris. On many occasions she was phone sex raped by O’Reilly. Even though Mackris protested, O’Reilly wouldn’t shut up. The schadenfreude train doesn’t pull into the station until the news surfaced that Mackris recorded everything. A quick internet search will easily reveal a verbatim text of O’Reilly’s sexual predilections, including the time he brought himself to orgasm with a vibrator while talking to her. For some unknown reason O’Reilly settled the lawsuit.Sky Pilots Jabbering into Heaven
The religious always-right have contributed to America’s schadenfreude like no other group.
Jim Bakker’s story of stealing millions from his ministry doesn’t reach schadenfreude status until America heard what many consider to be “the immaculate line.” Trying to seduce his secretary, Jessica Hahn, Bakker said, “If you help the shepherd, you help the flock.” In September of 2004, TBN televangelist Paul Crouch followed Bakker’s tradition of ritual embarrassment by paying Enock Lonnie Ford $425,000 to conceal their homosexual liaisons at the network-owned cabin at Lake Arrowhead.In 1986 Reverend Jimmy Swaggart worked diligently as his own
worst enemy. After exposing fellow minister Marvin Gorman’s affair with a parishioner, Gorman hired a private investigator to follow Swaggart. After being confronted with the pictures Swaggart refused to come clean, but by 1988 he was forced into admitting his terrible sin and gave his famous tearful speech, “I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God's forgiveness,” which is now used by countless heathens such as myself for the Thanksgiving blessing.Gary Aldridge
Gary Aldridge is one of the greatest in h
idden schadenfreude stories. In Oct. of 2007, Rev. Gary Aldridge was a well liked pastor of the Thorington Road Baptist Mega-Church in Alabama. Once again, the best schadenfreude doesn’t arrive until after the event. With his wife and kids out of town, Aldridge thought it would be a fun to insert a dildo into his rectum before putting on a rubber suit and accidently hanging himself. When police found him they said every inch of his body was covered with rubber. (Including the condom that covered the dildo.) Autopsy recorded that he was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves, slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask.“What is autoerotic asphyxiation daddy?”
They couldn’t explain his death at Sunday mass. They couldn’t post it on the community bulletin board. They probably came out and said, “Sorry, he’s dead. No reason. He just died.” How could they say anything else? You can’t just serve - dildo, rubber suit and autoerotic asphyxiation - on a delicate congregation and then follow with Amazing Grace. (Although, I would have paid to have seen that.) News must have spread like a Vegas bride. My schadenfreude guru woke up thinking about the myriad of right-wing Alabama grandmothers that were given an advance study course in fetish and fetish safety. Does grandma have a safety word?
Pray the gay away
It made front page news in November of 2006 when founder of the Association of Life-Giving Churches and leader of the National
Association of Evangelicals, Ted Haggard was caught having sex with a male masseuse after purchasing methamphetamines. Wait for it. . . . the schadenfreude didn’t arrive until Haggard decided his atonement was to attend three weeks of intensive anti-homosexual counseling, overseen by four other ministers. By February of 2007, the job was done and minister with two first names, Tim Ralph, pronounced Haggard “completely heterosexual,” and America burped a sarcastic ‘yeah, sure.’ It doesn’t take a genius to imagine that those four ministers were also repressed homosexuals hell bent on subduing their own pants demons. Word on the internet is several gay oriented adult video companies are creating their historical documentaries of Haggard’s treatment.Governor Mike Spitzer - lightweight.
Spitzer doesn’t make the cut. While it’s true that Spitzer is the worst kind of hypocrite by vigorously prosecuting cases of prostitution when he was attorney general, the story of a politician caught with a call girl is hardly unique. $80,000 for prostitutes? That doesn’t even make it into the record books. A discriminating shadenfreudist must only look back to 2004 when conservative activist and benefactor to many Christian groups in Montana,
Richard A. Dasen Sr., was arrested after paying a 15 year old girl for sex. Once again, that’s where the story begins.Upon careful auditing of Dasen’s expenditures, police estimated that Dasen spent more than 5 million dollars on prostitutes over the last decade. Their conclusions were confirmed when the rate of petty crimes rose sharply in the area. Dasen was singlehandedly supporting the methamphetamine trade for most of the state by mostly employing addicts. If that wasn’t enough, as owner of the Christian Financial Counseling service, Dasen often ‘prayed’ upon the cash strapped young women that arrived looking for help managing and consolidating their debts.
The schadenfreude icing-on-the-cake arrives when asking the question, how did the cops know Dasen spent 5 million dollars on prostitutes? Answer: He always paid with a check. Once again proving the adage, the best schadenfreude arrives with a side order of stupidity.
Mark Foley
It’s a well known joke that Congressmen have a long tradition of abhorring bookmarks because they prefer to bend over the pages. Jokes have a way of sticking around when anchored with a thread of truthiness. There are several internet lists of congressional closeted homosexuals, but you can’t mention gay right wing republicans without mentioning, Mark Foley. In September of 2006 Republican Congressman Mark Foley made front page news when he abruptly resigned from Congress after “sexually explicit” emails surfaced showing him flirting with a 16-year old boy. Foley is only worth mentioning because his text message “flirting,” was nothing of the sort. Take the time on the internet to download his IM messages and you’ll find what may be the very first ever documented case of IM cybersex. (Not an easy thing to do with one hand.)
Dr. W. David Hager
Apparently, how women have sex is a huge concern for Dr. W. David Hager. In 2003, as a Bush appointee to the FDA’s advisory committee to women’s health, Hager did his best to stop over-the-counter sales of the day-after pill. Something like that was against his religion. But exploiting women publically was nothing compared to what he was doing behind closed doors. In 2005 an article in The Nation brought a first hand account of Hager-sex, by his wife, the victim. She claimed he had anally raped her for 8 years, often leaving money in payment for her prostitution services after he was finished. She would receive more for oral sex. The story only gets weirder after that. When asked about the anal sex, Hager said, “I missed.” Dr. Hager is a gynecologist.
Great Moments in American Schadenfreude
At first glance Vice-President Cheney’s hunting ‘accident’ will forever be remembered as the defining moment in American schadenfreude. Not only did the public receive a dose of weirdness not seen since the Aaron Burr - Alexander Hamilton duel, they were suddenly privy to what drunk neo-conservatives do for fun. It wasn’t enough to shoot lobbyists in the face, Cheney’s fetish was to kill birds already bred in captivity and then only allowed to fly, for the first time, when he kicked them loose from the scrub bush where they were placed. Many Americans still remember and revere the moment when John Stewart brought forth an expensive tea set to help the audience enjoy the schadenfreude of the moment. It was difficult not to laugh as his audience was impatiently waiting.
While Cheney’s shot heard round the world is excellent schadenfreude, it only comes in at #3 in America’s best. (but only because there's no video.) The top 2 come fully recorded. Coming in at #2 is President George Bush, Sr.
Most 3-Stooges pie fight scenes are staged in the middle of the most dignified of events for a reason. It’s just funnier. In 1992, when our President, George Bush Sr., leaned over during a diplomatic dinner and vomited all over the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister, that was funny. To be fair, there wasn’t a dignified way for the ultra-conservative Japanese Prime Minister to respond so he just sat there, with a stoic look on his face, as if being vomited upon by the most powerful man in the world was something he hadn’t noticed. I felt terrible for the Prime Minister but I couldn’t stop laughing at him. Aw, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.
Stephen Colbert
Do a search on http://video.google.com/
Mr. Colbert holds the top spot. On April 29, 2006, Stephen Colbert, during the White House Correspondents dinner, stepped up and did what no other man in the media ever dared to do... . You see, Colbert agrees with President Bush. Colbert isn’t one to give into facts or statistics. Books are all facts, no heart. Colbert thinks with his gut. Just like the President. And it’s a well known fact that “truth has a liberal bias.”
It’s almost excruciating to watch. If you haven’t already, you can watch the entire thing on Google video. George W. Bush, who has been extremely careful through his presidency to avoid any direct con
tact with detractors or protestors of any kind, as forced to sit for 24 minutes and listen, with a strained fake smile, as Colbert’s rapier like wit cut at Bush again, and again, and again. During the more savage moments, the audience would groan in sympathy as the President was located a seat away from the Colbert.The delay schadenfreude didn’t arrive until a year later when the President’s handler, fearful of another ‘incident,’ booked aging comedian Rich Little to host the event. Rich Little? No, he’s still alive.
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