The Mugatu Conspiracy and my Presidential Endorsement

In case you haven’t been following this, Jimmy Kimmel has actually been funny lately. First there was the video from Jimmy’s girlfriend Sara Silverman where she told him, in song, that she was fucking Matt Damon.

Then Jimmy replied with his own video detailing his love affair, thru song, with Ben Affleck.

Here's the latest in the Matt Damon / Jimmy Kimmel feud:



3 a.m. - Random Conspiracy Theories

As managing editor of Basket of Puppies, and forever champion of the absurd, I hereby endorse Colonel Klink for President because there has never been a successful escape from stalag 13. (And not because he ruined monocles for everyone.) I think it’s perfectly rational to have a comedy set inside a German POW camp. What could be funnier? I’ll tell you. Carol Channing is much funnier. If only there was some way to combine the two.



I can’t write about Hogan’s Heroes without reminding everyone that this abomination of a show was broadcast for six seasons. A comedy set in a German POW camp? H.R. Pufinstuf made more sense. 6 years? The circle of weirdness doesn’t close until Colonel Hogan’s foray into amateur pornography. I didn’t understand until he was murdered. Mugatu!

In case you didn’t know, the American Colonel Klink is Colonel Blake. And Colonel Blake’s replacement, Harry Morgan is the reverse Dick Clark. - in that he looked like he was 80 when he was twenty. And we all know that the German Dick Clark is David Hasselhoff.

It all came together and made sense when Hasselhoff was singing ‘Looking for freedom’ on the Berlin wall. He was wearing the keyboard scarf exactly like the keyboard tie that Mugatu designed.



Mugatu. It all comes back to Mugatu. He’s behind all of this. Hogan’s Heroes. Dick Clark. Colonel Hogan’s home made porn. Sammy Davis Jr. on Batman:



It all makes sense now.



It was thru the Mugatu conspiracy that I was able to incorporate all of my favorite youtube clips into one post. You win this time Mugatu, but I’ll be back. I’ll be back.

Debate Coverage - it’s not the answers, it’s the questions.

Oddly enough, its not the answers that fills me with dread. It’s the questions. They never ask questions of value.

Questions never asked: Off the top of my head. . . .

Have you ever seen a UFO? (Pres. Carter did.) How many people would you justify killing to secure our oil interests? Who are your biggest contributors and how beholden are you to them? Will you be appointing a special prosecutor to pursue Bush administration wrong doings? If no, how many other crimes will you ask the Justice Department not to pursue? (For the Republicans) Why is homosexuality so abhorrent to you? Please describe your own sexual proclivities so we all can judge you. Doggy style? Oral sex? Would you ever consider having sex with Jesus?

Do you believe that global warming exists? If so, do you agree that drastic action is required?

There are two million people in U.S. prisons. 80% are in prison for drug offences. Is the legal system the best way to handle what is essentially a public health issue? Marijuana doesn’t kill anyone, how do you justify legalize tobacco? Should marijuana be legal? Should alcohol? Alcohol kills more and hurts more than all the illegal drugs combined.

If you don’t endorse universal healthcare, how do you justify murdering U.S. citizens that don’t have insurance?

And can we, for the love of god, have a debate which give the candidates enough time to fully answer the questions. And if they don’t answer the question, can’t the moderator press for an answer? I’d prefer a system whereas the moderator can push a button and send the candidate through a trap door if they don’t answer.

Almost every politician has endorsed testing our teachers - can’t we test the candidates? Give me a thousand word essay describing the worst part of the American dream. How are your algebra skills? How many signers of the Constitution can you name? Please list the amendments to the constitution.
Since we’ll never, ever, ever get anything like that, I’m throwing up my hands at the entire process.

The shallow American . . .

Lets get down to the real issues. We don’t really need a debate. We don’t even need a primary. As an American I make my choice based on looks alone. I’m all about the image. So, in the end its Romney vs. Obama. But, as an American, I place huge value on their names, so I can’t vote for Mitt or Obama. I’ve never even heard of a Mitt before. That leaves Hillary. But as an American my voting decision is mostly based on who has the best television commercial. Hillary has the worst commercials. So, as an American, my vote now goes to whoever gives me the best photo ops. I need a candidates willing to go to a diner and sample the local cuisine, just to show they are like the average Joe. Too bad that will never happen. But if I had to make a decision now, my vote goes to the best haircut. For this reason, and this reason alone, I am throwing my support behind Derek Zoolander! Zoolander from President!!!! Mugatu for Vice President.