The best defense for the Penis Pump Judge

For the last two weeks I’ve been working like a furious badger at my computer. Not much time for blogging. I’ve been compiling a list of Republican criminals to update a list I made in 2007 and the experience is warping my fragile little mind. For instance. . .

Judge Donald Thompson, better known as the ‘penis pump judge’, is a lesson in weirdness. Not because he would wear a penis pump under his robes during trials or even because his clerk saw him naked on several occasions. It’s what happened after he was arrested that the story gets grows crazy wings.

Penis pump judge gets 4-year jail term

Like every other last ditch defense, Judge Thompson was pulling out all the stops. Channeling Austin Powers, Thompson claimed the pump was a gag gift. He never used it. But mostly, and most importantly, even though many court participants remarked that they would hear a woooshing sound coming from the bench, Judge Thompsons swore by all that was holy, that he never once masturbated while on the bench. There. It had to be said.

Cue CSI music. David Caruso, “Your Honor, we took a look at your robes and underneath your bench; we hit it with a black light and they lit up like there has been an year long orgy going on.”

That’s right. When the police turned their ultra-violet light onto the judges robes, semen stains were illuminated all over the inside. Same for his bench. Because he was a Republican I imagine he ejaculated every time he found someone guilty and then went back into chambers to smoke a cigarette and molest his eight year old son.

If that wasn’t enough, the prosecution went to the trouble of running the DNA of the semen stains just in case another judge was sneaking into the courtroom and night and masturbating his way around the room.

But what’s with the obvious lie? Weird. He would of had a better chance of pleading a small penis. Sympathy votes aren’t unheard of on a jury.

But the funny doesn’t cum until the next guy takes the bench. He had to know why he was replacing the previous judge so you know there had to be a conversation like, “Are you sure you got the bench clean?” “Don’t tell the cleaning staff why, just tell them to get in there with Ajax and Lye soap.” “I don’t care what it costs. Someone get me a sandblaster and some Clorox.”