Democratic Candidates

After watching the debates I have a theory about the candidates. They may be about ‘change’ or know something about ‘change’ or have some ‘change’ in their pockets. I’m not sure, I fell asleep when I heard the word ‘change.’

Change, change, change, change, change.

I can only imagine the word ‘change’ was polled with voters and came back with numbers previously held with words like ‘fuck’ and ‘Gyllenhaal.’ But what strikes me as funny is the resulting conversations with the candidates before the debate.

"Good news. We spent twenty million dollars to poll forty thousand Iowan voters and found out that the word ‘change’ sends them into an orgasm. They actually ejaculate when they hear the word. If you say the word change more than twenty times, the voters will actually lite up a cigarette after the debate."
The candidates must of believed them because it soon became a ‘change’-off.

Obama: "I am all about the change."
Clinton: "You may be about change, but I am change."
Edwards: "You may be change, but I’m double change."
Obama: "Yeah, well, my change is better than your change."
Richardson: "Okay, I never got the memo about the word change."

I think what the electorate is looking for is a candidate that doesn’t listen to these inane polls. But once again reality sets in and I realize that you can’t get elected without jiggling your keys in front of the infant voters. Still, there’s got to be something better to say. How about, "I’m all about a non-static posture." or "A vote for me is a vote against the status quo." or "Vote for me and you’ll be voting against Britney Spears and Paris Hilton."

I only put in Britney and Paris because their names generate more hits on my blog.

An open letter from President Bush to Lindsay Lohan

Dear Lindsay,

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You couldn’t of been arrested at a better time. My political ambition of bombing democracy into Iraq was looking bleak until you, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie decided to the join forces and pull the the media hounds into covering your personal problems. Bravo!! It’s difficult for me to put into words the relief I felt when Paris was put in jail. You and your arrest have given me a respite from constant attack coverage of the liberal media. For that brief moment in time, hundreds of liberal media outlets threw away their journalistic ethics and spent their time covering the inane and lurid; something I have been begging them to do for years. Don’t they understand that covering the war is helping the terrorist?
Television news is silly that way. They are totally unable to resist a celebrity being arrested. For that reason I am asking my buddy Alberto to dedicate a considerable amount of resources to combating celebrity law breakers. They need to be stopped for the greater good.

You, Lindsay Lohan, have indirectly helped this country fight terrorism by sidetracking these liberal media hounds. For that alone, I am awarding you the medal of freedom.

Congratulations. Thats a Heckuva job.

Not many others could of handled the press the way you did. So, when the judge asks you if you have anything to say about the incident, tell him that you did it for freedom. Tell him you did it for democracy in Iraq. Tell him you took drugs and blamed the black man because you are a patriot, and if he doesn’t buy that, tell him that I said, sending you to jail is just one more way he can help fight for this war. If he doesn’t send you to jail, tell him he is a traitor to this country. Dick Cheney said it best when he said, "If only the media did their job and covered these Hollywood harlots, I could get to work rebuilding Iraq by fueling this civil war." We don’t need more liberal bloggers, we need more celebrity arrests.

God Bless Me, uh, I mean, God Bless America,

Dubya

p.s. you never call anymore.