Curse of the Lottery

It may be the most shaudenfreude television show ever! I am totally in love with "The Curse of the Lottery." My shadenfruede guru hasn’t had this much fun since COPS did that taser episode. (A masterpiece in television history.) Curse of the Lottery - COTL - is one story after another of how fine, upstanding citizens totally lose their shit when 40 million dollars lands in their lap. I loved it. If it was food, I’d be full. If it was sex, I’d marry it. If it was pyroclastic flow traveling down a mountain at 400 miles an hour, it would engulf me, but only because I probably couldn’t get out of the way in time.

We all know that any fool, any moron, any drunk, any schizophrenic, any self-righteous sky pilot can buy a lottery ticket. And they do. COTL is the real story of Jed Clampett. It’s the story of barely functional people given nearly unlimited power. Yeeeeeee Haaaaawwwwww!

I, myself, play the lottery from time to time. I like to be a snob about it. Less than 20 million and it isn’t worth it. Over a hundred million and you have my attention. With a 100 million I can really dream. And that’s what I’m buying, a dream. Nothing else. I’m not going to win.
But what if my dream was just as screwed up as the typical alcoholic schizophrenic that wins? Well, it is.

Like the toothless, shirtless, drunks that desire to be on COPS (they all have to sign waivers to be on the show) I want to piss away my lottery fortune just to end up on "THE CURSE OF THE LOTTERY!" I’m going to have the wildest ride 100 million dollars will give me. I am not paying taxes on it. They can’t do anything until the end of the year and by then I would of already pissed it away. I’m going out like a rock star. I’m not saying I’ll die at the end, but it’ll be close, and, yes, I’d probably end up in prison. A small price to pay.

The first question most reporters ask, "has the money changed you?" that’s when I become Varuca Salt, just for the fun of it. "Hell yes!" I’ll answer. "I’m better than everyone else because I have money, you scum." For the curse to work I will become the worst kind of spoiled brat to reporters. I learned how from watching Bridezillas.

I have several dream plans.

First. . . . Create a pycrete island and declare my new island nation sovereign. 120 miles off the coast of California I will declare the sovereign nation of Fredonia, free from colonial rule. (Because of it’s size, Fredonia will be able to move large numbers of refugees around the world.)

But first, we will sail to the Vanuatu islands where I will deliver free cargo to Chief Issac.
and. . .

I plan on breeding 400,000 armadillos to be released free inside the D.C. beltway. They’ll never forget me after that. Why? Because, "if you make a oyster smile, the world is your armadillo." (I miss Blake Edwards.)

I won’t forget to spend a couple of million on whores and drugs. But only out of tradition. Otherwise they won’t put me on The Curse of the Lottery!!!! the greatest television ever created.